How do I (17M) tell our youth leader that I’m an agnostic and that I won’t be part of the music team?
As the title suggests, I’m an agnostic—meaning that whether or not God exists, He/She/It cannot be fully proven. To me, it makes sense that science neither proves nor disproves God or the supernatural. So while I’m agnostic regarding the general concept of God, I’m essentially an atheist when it comes to Christianity.
That said, I don’t hold extreme views about Christianity. I don’t think Christians are delusional for believing in God, nor do I see Christianity as inherently oppressive. My doubts aren’t personal; they’re more about the epistemology of belief (which I’ll explain in the comments).
My Background and Faith Journey
I’ve been in an evangelical church my whole life 17 years now. When I was around 13-14, I genuinely sought God on a deeper level because I didn’t want to be just another passive, lukewarm Christian. I wanted to carry my cross daily, deny myself, resist worldly desires, deepen my theological knowledge, and try my best to devote my life to Christ. (I also watched a lot of John Piper and Christian commentary).
However, as I explored my faith intellectually, doubts emerged. At 14, I leaned toward Catholicism I remember crying while praying to God about how much Catholicism made sense and how my life up to that point felt like a lie. I even planned to get baptized in the Catholic Church even if my parents are againt it. But after months of watching countless debates, reading articles, and engaging in online discussions, I eventually concluded that Christianity, in general, isn’t true. That realization didn’t hit me as hard as my shift from evangelicalism to Catholicism probably because the first domino was the one that mattered the most because I couldn’t believe that it made so much sense.
So My family has been part of this church for two decades (they were formerly Catholics), and I grew up there. People see me as a devoted Christian, and I genuinely like the people there—they’re nice and not particularly judgmental. So I’ve never had a “Man, these Christians are hypocrites” type of experience.
My Youth Leader and the Dilemma
My youth leader, Chris, is about 28-29 he’s been a youth leader (not a pastor) since he was 21 (I’ll explain it much later). I’ve known him for around 10 months, and 1-2 times a month during fridays, he, my close friend (who’s 16), and I go out for a Bible study (though only if my friend goes too) but I don’t feel any discomfort with Chris at all except when I have to talk about my experience with God which I don’t have so I just vaguely talk about it the same way I would explain it when I was 13-14 (which only happens during fridays). Honestly we just talk about random stuff after during sundays. And one thing I should mention is that there aren’t that many guys our age who regularly attend church just about five of us so my participation in the church means a lot.
So, Chris is an easygoing guy and is nice, but I don’t want to burst the bubble that I’ve actually been an atheist-agnostic for the past two years. He used to live a rough life, he was deep into drugs, involved in street fights, and hit rock bottom when he overdosed. At his lowest point, he prayed to God as a last resort and felt a renewed sense of purpose, which led him back to faith. I think that’s a beautiful transformation for anyone.
Naturally, he has a lot of assumptions about why Christians leave the faith. Once, he talked about a Hillsong songwriter who became an atheist, and I could feel the disappointment and disgust in his tone. However, he also mentioned that, like Samson, God still used that person in his younger years to write Christian music. That’s probably the most judgmental I’ve seen him be—otherwise, he’s easygoing.
Now, here’s the issue**:** I don’t know if I should tell him I can’t be the lead guitarist for the church’s music team. For the past two months, both Chris and my friend have been hyping me up for the role (my friend plays rhythm guitar), and because I’m too much of a people pleaser, I signed up last Sunday.
They’re not forcing me, but I feel like the pressure has been building because I haven’t been upfront about my beliefs. Now I’m stuck. This is my lowest point (exaggeration) but it’s still a tough situation for me.
So what do I do?
My advice, take it with a grain of salt though…
Don’t put the focus on your beliefs, just sing like a banshee scratching fingernails on a chalkboard.
Just a thought, you can pursue any future musical career later.
Wait, did you just copy and paste a random post from there or are you the OP from there?
Just say you changed your mind. Refuse to elaborate. You don’t need to say anything else. You certainly don’t need to elaborate on your faith.
Their only post on this community, that doesn’t have a redirect, says they are a trans woman. It’s possible they may have forgotten. That being said, in the open Christian subreddit there is this post with the exact wording + update. I think it’s more likely they just forgot, but I digress. Regardless I think this post is just a repost. This may be an attempt to widen the subreddit community/give an alternative platform.
This post (and others) ared meant to help widen the Community/Subreddit so that there is content in the Lemmy community.
I even added links to the OG Subreddit posts.
This doesn’t even need the religious aspect.
What you’re facing is a common thing for everyone, but particularly younger folks. It’s about setting boundaries and enforcing them.
Ideally when someone applies social pressure, you’d politely state that you aren’t interested, and that it won’t change, but you’re past that. I only mention it to remind you that it’s okay to say no, and it’s rude to pressure someone after they’ve said it. Even at 17, you should get the basic respect of having your NO honoured.
But, you already said yes.
This does mean you’ll disappoint people you care about, but there’s only one way you fix the issue. You go to the youth leader and you say straight up that you only agreed because you didn’t want to disappoint anyone, but that it isn’t something you’d be doing for the right reasons, so you couldn’t give it your best effort. Then you apologize for the confusion and extra difficulty, and enforce that new boundary by gently telling anyone that tries to apply pressure that you can’t agree to do something you couldn’t give your best effort to.
If they then continue, you say something along the lines of “I’ve said no, and given my reasons. A friend isn’t going to keep trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do, please stop.”
Your religious/spiritual beliefs aren’t really relevant to that part of things. If you want to bring that part up, that’s fine, but it is a separate thing with its own complexity.
Since it would also involve withdrawing (at least in part) from the community you seem value, I’m not sure I’m the best person to advise you.
That being said, I’ve lived in the bible belt my whole life, and was never more than a titular Christian, even when I still went to church as a kid. I’ve found that in dealing with friends and family, just being calm and persistent in rebuffing attempts to convert me works the best in preserving relationships I value with Christians.
It becomes another boundary. I’ll remind them that I’m not open to attempts to convert me, and that if they continue, I’ll have to distance myself from them. And you may end up having to do just that to have your boundary respected. I know that’s very difficult, because the road to learning not only that it’s okay to do, but how to do it and stay calm and loving while enforcing boundaries was a bumpy one.
It is, however, a road that must be traveled. It’s a vital skill for anyone, and the younger you start developing it, the better. No is a perfectly valid response to almost anything.
That won’t necessarily help you figure out exactly where your limits are, what is and isn’t “too far”. And it certainly won’t help you navigate “coming out” as not being christian. I know mine, and I also know that not everyone has the same limits.
