Being nice doesn’t save lives. I spent a pretty crummy Monday because I received a letter from the welfare office and they want to meet me next week, and it pulled me into a spiral. I’m doing better now, I think.
But anyway. It got me rethinking some stuff and listen comrades, don’t let people be incompetent just because they’re “nice” or friendly. Being friendly doesn’t save lives. I used to be like that too when I was unsure of my skills or didn’t have experience. I thought being nice and friendly with other people would make up for it. It doesn’t. Everybody knows you’re a fraud, you know you’re a fraud, and you hope they won’t say anything about you being a fraud because at least you get along well.
I’m done making excuses for others tbh. My hematologist may be “friendly” but if she can’t help me she can’t help me. It’s not my job to make excuses for her i.e. “I’m sure she’s trying her best” or “at least she answers my calls”. The current situation is that she and that shithole hospital can’t answer my needs and I need to advocate for myself. You need to advocate for yourself too. If someone seems like they’re trying to pull you into some bullshit just say no, get up and leave. I’m done with frauds and other sweet talkers. And I’m done being nice to cover up for people who refuse to help. I don’t owe them anything.
Everyone is just trying to save their skin by shuffling problems around to other departments so they never have to take any responsibility for it. Almost everything in my current situation is provided or owned by the state - the hospital, the welfare office, and the unemployment office I will have to register for probably. And everyone just wants to shift you around so you’re not their problem but someone else’s. The hospital doesn’t want to write a certificate because what if they get audited and have to justify it. The welfare office doesn’t want to accomodate to your disability needs without a certificate because what if they get audited.
I also need to stop minimizing my symptoms and be clear about how debilitating they are. I think I got better at this. But this means stopping being “nice”. But being nice doesn’t save lives, competence does.
EDIT: you should be both nice and competent if you can! But if I have to choose, I’m choosing competence over friendliness. Nobody likes an asshole but sometimes you have to be one, and sometimes you’d rather have one on your side because at least they know what they’re doing.
I’m doing better physically with the medication my dr prescribed last week (upping pantoprazole from 20mg to 40mg. She also gave me anti-nausea medication but you should be careful how you take it, so for now I plan only to take it if I have a difficult episode or I know I’m gonna have one e.g. I have to go out). The first time I took the nausea medication I felt better than I’d felt since all this began. Like it reminded me that even when I’m doing “good” I’m not feeling as good as I was before the symptoms began, if you get what I’m saying. But alas it only works the first time lol.
It’s moreso psychologically now that it fucks with me lol. I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so of course I’ll be talking to her about it. I feel like I’m gonna have a panic attack eventually. Haven’t had one yet, but I probably will if the odds keep stacking against me like that and I keep having to run in circles with a bureaucracy that doesn’t want to actually solve problems. You feel completely abandoned by the state and you expect the worst in terms of how they’re gonna treat your disability. All I need is to be able to say “look it’s not gonna work out today, can we reschedule” but I have no expectation they will even grant me that. Because that would be taking responsibility.
The good news is she can make a certificate for panic attacks? lol