I’m stressed out over the appointment I have next week with the welfare office because if they don’t want to accomodate my health needs then I’m shit out of luck. I’m just stressed out, and I told my therapist all of this, and told her I can feel a panic attack coming – I don’t know when exactly, but I feel that if this keeps going like this with me being shuffled around I will start having panic attacks. She told me to focus on the positives lmao.

Like yeah my dr gave me anti-nausea medication but I had to take 2 of them for them to work today. You’re allowed 3 a day AT MOST because this type of medication is no joke. I puked on the fucking side of the street (after which I took the 2nd dose) while going to my appointment and this is apparently considered normal. Apparently I should just accept that I humiliate myself on the street every time I go out and puke my guts out in front of everyone. And I have no idea if this medication will work again next week, or how long it works. My dr prescribed it “just in case” bc it’s better to have it than not have it. But I have to test out how to take it and when by myself. The therapist said “well but at least you’ve been able to make it to all our appointments so far” I think to help me but it’s just making me worry now that they will use this against me. I don’t go to the appointments because “I can”. I go because it’s better than not going even if it’s torture for me. Do you tell a fucking cancer patient (bc that’s the example my shitty hematologist used) “Well at least you come to the chemo appointments so how bad can cancer be 🤪” fucking dipshits. I have to pace my schedule and time and not overload myself. I can do one, maybe 2 things a week if I’m in a good period (I’m not in a good period rn). Otherwise it exacerbates the symptoms. I don’t consider forcing me to behave like an able healthy person to be either ethical, reasonable, or just. I may go take a first opinion with a lawyer tbh at this point.

All I want is to have the space and time to focus on my health for now until I get back to a more optimistic mindset but nobody in the medical body seems to understand that. You treat patients like shit then when they get depression or anxiety disorders your reaction is “gosh if only there was something we could have done to prevent this” YOU fucking caused this jesus. I’m fucking hanging on on well wishes from fucking doctors. What if the welfare office doesn’t want to accomodate me because I don’t have a certificate? What if the 2nd hospital offers no option? What if I have to monitor with blood tests every week for the rest of my life? What if I can’t make it to my apt next week or another time, and have to cancel, and they tell me to go to my dr to get a certificate, and the dr doesn’t want to do a certificate, and so the welfare office closes my case because I cancelled “without justification”? They will do that.

My 2nd hospital opinion is scheduled on the 21st of march. That’s a month away. I won’t have any solution until then at the latest. And you can plead and tell them how difficult it is all you want, they will follow the fucking procedure because if they don’t it can cause problems for them and we wouldn’t want that would we. Anything but not following proper procedure.