I’m fixing the mistake my parents made by having me and the mistake I made not killing myself 19 years ago life a fucking idiot. My hands are bleeding from punching the wall and I won’t be able to work later anyway. Yeah so fucking funny that a kid is smelly and gross because the parents never taught it how to clean itself and wipe. So funny. It’s stinky because it’s a retard. So fucking funny. And when it learns how to be clean on its own, that’s so funny that it’s trying to be grown and normal like actual people. Funny! So fucking funny that it wants body wash, that’s so funny, a retard asking for body wash instead of an actual human being. Funny! And when it grows older and gets into skincare that’s so funny! It wants to be grown at 23! So funny that a 23 year old bought skincare products at 23 years old, that’s so funny that a 23 year old retard is stepping out of its place to try being normal that’s SO FUCKING FUNNY RIGHT? Yeah the retard should just be the stink and dirty retard it always was instead of an actual human being. I really should have killed myself sooner.
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Hey there, um, sounds like you’ve internalized a lot from your parents but they don’t matter. You’re working on yourself and that’s great. And who says you can’t like family friendly media? I’m older than you and still watch every new Pixar movie.
Literally everyone in my life bullied me for enjoying children’s media when I was a literal child. In high school and college it was proof I was mentally an infant or that I’d rape a child because I don’t know my age. Everything about me was that stupid disorder, and was a problem. I am really disappointed to still be here honestly.
It’s sounds like the adults in your life truly failed you and I’m sorry.
I am really disappointed to still be here honestly.
Well I’m genuinely happy to hear you still are.
Sounds like you had fucking awful parents. Instead of letting them drag you down excise them from your life. You’ll hear, family this and family that. Fuck that. Horrible human beings are horrible humsn beings and the fact that they were sperm or egg donors doesn’t make them any less so.
Hang in there, and use those parents to motivate yourself to be better.
I get it but I really just don’t want anything at all anymore.
I’m so fucking tired of perpetually being too old and too young for everything.
Too old for family friendly media, too young for everything else, and being into no media at all is scary and I should be locked away for having no interests or hobbies. Just eradicate that stupid shit.
Buddy, you need to work on enjoying the things you like and not worrying about what others think. I spent all yesterday evening watching The Fairly Odd Parents and this morning watching the OG Pokémon.
I’m 35 and if you think that’s childish that’s your problem, not mine.
It sounds like you will do much better if you cut the toxic people out of your life. There’s no law that says you have to stay in communication with people who are detrimental to your well-being. I haven’t talked to my father or his side of the family in years and I regret nothing.
It’s hard to when I was literally abused into enjoying nothing
Killing yourself just means that your abusers win.
If you really want to stick it to them, work on being happy with who you are. Nothing pisses off an abuser as much as their punching bag thriving.
You might try reading The Subtle Art of Not giving a Fuck. I know it’s helped a lot of people, my SO included.
I’m wondering if I should go for the train or cop method like I planned 19 years ago or if I should do another.
Killing yourself is never the answer, but involving other people in your suicide is a major dick move.
I originally wanted to be killed by cops when I was 7. The good guys doing the right thing.
Just fucking eradicate that shit. Yeah let’s lock the kid away in a place where they’re taught showering is a privilege and being clean is a preference that spoiled bad kids have. If you don’t like something, get over it. And I got over it by going years without showering or wiping my ass because that was being a good kid. I really should have just died sooner.
Too young to have a job but too old to be unemployed. So funny that it has a job, because who would hire that? And why does it want to be grown so badly, getting a job? So funny! Too old to be at such a low position as well but too young to want to move up. If I was never reduced to that stupid disorder then why is a 26 year old with a job such a hilarious joke?
Life gets better for the loved, and I am extremely stupid for thinking that included me.
Whoa whoa whoa, friend, slow down. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re loved. I promise, I mean that.
I don’t know what you’re going through but I know where I’ve been and what I’m reading here. I know shame. I know anger and resentment. I know feeling trapped at the bottom of a well forever. I know that it seems like someone who was supposed to take care of you and keep you safe didn’t do that, and I’m sorry. Some people had some really terrible attitudes about things and that led them to hurt you, but it’s gonna be okay if you stick around. Okay? Or at least, it can be.
There is a lot of beauty to find in being alive, and you’ll never see it if you’re not. Time will keep going forward and pain will fade, and your good choices will eventually pile up into a mountain you can stand on top and look back from. I mean that, because I’m a survivor, and I’m standing on that mountain now. It took a long time but I got there, and you can too.
Let your life be a testament to the divine beauty that is your own existence. Fuck those people. You are you and you never get another one. So, please, stick around, okay?
I have no value at all. I really don’t get why everyone’s trying to gaslight me into believing I could be loved.
Now that’s just not true. Nobody’s gaslighting you here. None of us internet strangers are trying to manipulate you, we’re trying to make sure you don’t kill yourself. Simply because you’re a person and all people have value.
I mean that. You don’t know what the rest of your life holds. If you’re 20 (sorry OP you said you’re 23, I missed that at first) you’re hopefully only a quarter through your life - and it’s the hardest quarter! When you’re young you have zero power over your life, you’re beholden to guardians, you’re not fully educated yet, all kinds of stuff. But as time goes on and you get older, you get to build onto that with anything you want! Like dude you’ve got a sci-fi talking computer in your hand right now that can teach you Chinese. Or hacking. Or do-it-yourself repairs. Or all KINDS OF STUFF! And as you learn different things you can combine them to create things that are truly yours and reflect who you are, entirely on your terms.
You 20 years from now can be a whole different animal if you want it. I am. I’m nearing 40, a suicide survivor, and I lived in rock bottom for a decade. My childhood isn’t quite what you’re describing, but it had real problems and I came out of it dysfunctional so take what you will of that.
Regardless, your value is what you make of it - and it’s a chart, not a number. If you really believe you don’t have value then I want you to write a list of things you’re good at. There’s something you can put down I’m sure. And then I want you to start adding to that list. I want you to learn a skill or improve your knowledge of something, a little by little. Maybe you check that list every week or two. It doesn’t have to be something you can make money at, or that anyone you know cares about - it just has to be a part of you that improved.
And when you see what you’ve added to that over a few months, you’ll see why you’re wrong - you can be loved, and you will be. Because you’re willing to grow, like any good organism. Right now you’re a plant that hasn’t been watered, it’s kept out of the sun, and the soil is weak. BUT IF WE TEND TO YOU, YOU WILL BE MIGHTY! Maybe you’ve always got a spot on a leaf - that just shows where you came from, what you overcame, and you’ll be loved all the more for it.
So please, stick around. Grow with me.
Because living as a stupid joke that everyone raises to be a failure is better than being murdered at birth?
