I’m 41F. I was married but separated 8 years ago. I was still young but was very traumatized and never really wanted another relationship. Lately I’ve been feeling a little lonely and would like to meet some new people but I moved and don’t have many friends here and the ones I have are younger and do younger people things (like going out at night. I’m too old for that lol). I wanted to meet some people my age, friends or dates, but almost everyone is married. I do cooking and French classes but again, only young people do that and I’m the “odd old lady”. I think people past 40 don’t really have hobbies or money to spend on them. I’m overweight so I can’t really use apps, and to be honest don’t really want. So how a single woman without kids (can’t have it) meet people?! Or do I just give up?! lol
What about volunteering groups? I’m in my 20s but volunteering groups tend to have people on the older side. It helps that people in their 40s and over tend to be financially stable and would spend their free time to volunteer.
You’re right I’ll try!
I’m going to second this one. I volunteer for an air museum and it’s folks from late 30s and up.
Edit: accidentally submitted before I was done typing
I second this. I help people at the library with their computer stuff, and it gets me out of the house and makes me feel like I am contributing. Much underrated feeling.
Volunteer work is my go-to answer in these situations.
I’m around 40, am always very busy with work, and I can’t hold complex conversations in the language that 95% of the population of my country speaks exclusively. My personal interests are extremely technical, and unusual (bordering on arcane). So meeting new friends is a bit of a challenge for me too.
It was still a very effective way to meet awesome people of all ages, some younger, some older! I even met my wife that way.
I’m in a similar situation, and met my girlfriend of three years that way. We love each other, but communication was sometimes an issue… and I often felt deeply lonely far away from my family and far from anyone who could understand me well.
We broke up last week. I’m going back to my home country. My heart feels like it will never recover. We planned a whole future together. I love her so deeply, but I also felt incredibly lonely in the relationship, and jealous even of other couples who could just talk easily to one another.
I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. Maybe she didn’t need to get all my jokes. Maybe she didn’t need to know all my cultural references. Maybe having each other and making new memories together was enough.
I’m broken.
That hits close to home – I had it a bit easier though. They had emptied my bank account without my knowledge or permission and left me for dead in the developing world, while they ran off to a new country and job they had secretly set up. Robbed their family too.
So at least all the bridges were thoroughly burned and I could focus on rebuilding. That kind of focus is a very powerful tool and I was able to bootstrap myself into a middle class life within a reasonable time. I came to realize how much that relationship had been holding me back.
Nearly died of cholera though. Anyway, the things we don’t have the power to change legitimately hurt real bad, but I hope you will one day surprise yourself with how much you can affect the things you do have the power to change.
Organize a local Lemmy meetup for 40+ year olds! Lol
I am in my mid 40s myself. I think the default advice is to just find social hobby groups and meet people that way. The more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have to make a connection. Also, I don’t think it’s a problem to be the “odd old lady” - wear that badge with pride IMO.
my gay friend group would do ANYTHING for an odd old lady
You know what, I could use some self esteem classes from a gay friend group!
I would love but I’m not in america and people here don’t really know about it :/ … yet lol
I hope Lemmy is going to get a wider recognition with time. Wish you all the best 🙏
I dont know if you enjoy singing , but in many countries here in Europe, there are lots of choirs for all types of music, as well as for beginners, for almost professionals and usually all ages mixed or lots of people above 40. Usually people go for a drink after rehearsal but not for the alcohol but for the company. In my choir many that come to the bar after rehearsal just drink something nonalcoholic.
Here, 40 is also an age where people still go to bars without feeling weird about it. Of course there are a few bars only full of Students but there are still lots of bars with people above 40 too.
like going out at night. I’m too old for that lol
WTF.
I’m 49, you are absolutely not too old to be going out. You’re also not to old to be in the middle of the mosh pit.
Double-plus good on moshing in our forties.
lol! I meant I don’t have the patience for young drunk people anymore. I only know a couple of 28yo here and went out with them one night… guess who was puked on? lol
I was done with partying when I was in my twenties, honestly. It doesn’t give me anything. I can’t hear people talking, we always lose each other in the crowd, it’s stuffy, people are obnoxious when drunk, etc etc etc, blech.
I much prefer a social thing at someone’s house with at most like 5-8 people, maximum. Preferably max 4. Then everyone can be heard, get a chance to speak, not too loud, bathroom close at hand, cheaper drinks that don’t empty your pockets, access to more fun things not available in a club/restaurant like video/board games, movies, etc etc etc.
access to more fun things not available in a club/restaurant like video/board games, movies, etc etc etc.
Beercades exist, I’ve been in a bar/brewery that had a collection of board games to borrow, etc. Also, karaoke at hole-in-the-wall Japanese and Korean places is super fun.
Drink more, be the puker.
Also, in re: being overweight and not being able to use apps… I’d strongly suggest you work on changing that now. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be, and being overweight makes being old really hard. Hard as in, knee, hip, and back damage. Trust me when I say that getting into a solid diet and workout plan is not fun, but being fit and losing weight is much easier than dealing with the long term consequences.
I took a long break during the pandemic because my gym refused any safety measures (shockingly, a lot of people died from covid-19 in my town /s), and getting back to the kind of levels of fitness I had in 2018 is hard and painful.
Lol!!
Some suggestions, either online or local;
Bookclubs
Walking groups
Chess, board games, table top
Theater groups (meetup groups to go to the theater as a group)
Escape room group meetups.Depending on if you are in a city or a smaller town the locals options will vary. I’d look at meetups site and browse local activities. For most any activity you will find a range of ages, but some will skew more one way than another.
Best of luck!
Meetup.com has events for a ton of different interests, I’ve found them to be quite diverse in age but some events are also focused for certain age ranges, so you might have some luck there!
Board game or DnD club! I’ve met so many cool people at these things and it’s a fun hobby to boot! :)
I would find a group or club related to hobbies you have. Hobbies can start as a common interest, and as you get to know each other, things can grow from there.
It’s not a guaranteed “relationship finder” but you’ll at the very least make some friends.
I hope it’s not too personal of a question to ask, but are you straight, lesbian, or bi? Because each one of those kind of comes with its own set of suggestions. You obviously do not have to share if you do not feel comfortable with that. I just don’t want to be giving a lesbian hints about finding a guy, you know?
Yes you’re right. I’m a straight woman :)
Okay, so with hobbies, stuff you’re already interested in is a good start, but it might be helpful to explore some “guy hobbies” in the sense of like, find some hobbies that are more popular with men, and then find one that sounds like it could be interesting to you, and try to find a local group based on that. If you pursue groups with larger percentage of men, it’s easier to find someone you’re potentially interested in and vice-versa.
Just make sure you’re pursuing a hobby you’ll actually end up liking. Don’t be afraid to be like “Yeah, this actually isn’t for me.” That’s up to and including “These men are just not receptive to a woman in this space.” (You don’t want to waste your time with gatekeeping men)
Like, you’d be hard pressed in tech groups, which kind of have a history of being stuck up when it comes to women in “their” spaces (nevermind that women programmed the computers on the moon missions back in the day because typing was “women’s work” *rolls eyes).
Football or soccer might be a little easier, there’s still a lot of women in those circles, and less dopey men gatekeeping, at least in my experience . There’s still some of that, but I think women being into sports is more accepted than it used to be, compared to tech spaces.
A lot of guys are into role-playing tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons, and while you can run into a lot of way too sheltered men in those groups, you can also run into really talented men who are good at math, acting, and strategy who are relatively well-adjusted. Stephen Colbert famously played a lot while he was growing up, and he attributes it to at least some of his acting and comedy skills.
My mom does a book group.
Is she taking new members?
I know you said you don’t like dating apps, but I would write them off completely. My partner and I met online (we’re both within a few years of your age), and one thing we both agree on is that dating apps are great for vetting a potential partner ahead of time. It’s frustrating to meet someone only to find out that they have/want kids (we don’t), don’t share any common interests, have opposing religious/political views, etc. By the time we actually met in person, we both already knew that we would at least get along as friends. It does seem that women tend to get a lot more “garbage” matches on online dating than men do, though; it probably also depends largely on where you live.
I agree it’s hard to find new friends when being 40+. But I would avoid apps, and go for Meetup events. It just feels a lot lot more natural to share a walk, or some event, with strangers, since it’s easy to get going and talk about things.
Remember that it’s hard for everyone, even people in relationships to find new friends outside of the relationship. I had a female friend that I liked, but my partner got jellous and I couldn’t really see her anymore. I understand the reasons but it’s just a bit annoying.
Check your local library for adult programs.
I have a strategy where i’ll get’em really hot by showing off all my 99s, but it’s getting to that step that’s been the hard part.
I’d like to know too.
My childhood friend ditched his family and swapped for a younger woman from work about a decade ago. Marriage was not the happiest, but I think he jumped the gun. Now the younger woman ditched him and he’s alone. His now teenage child is keeping touch, but is not happy about their history.
Guy is miserable and I’m afraid suicide is an option.
Can’t get him to take a new hobby, interest or activity. He’s been drowning himself in work and I don’t think it’s helping.
With men it’s easier because there are men’s groups. Have your friend join a men’s group. I mean, if he wants to get over his shit. If he’s asking. If he’s not, you can’t really help him.
Where are these “men’s groups” you speak of? As a “man,” I’ve not heard of any, at least none that aren’t inherently linked to toxic masc MAN-man personality traits.
They exist. There’s a local group that meets up for a walk once a week and anyone’s welcome.
If there’s not one near you? Then be the change you want to see.
