I am cold no matter what. I went under a very hot shower and was still trembling from feeling cold. Warmth doesn’t feel warm, it feels closer to pain if it can be sensed at all.

I’ve been overeating. I don’t buy anything but I do buy food. I think my brain entered food scarcity fear because I will be jobless and homeless soon unless a miracle happens.

If the hospital doesn’t contact me, I am handing in my resignation on Friday evening. My health is deteriorating. Everything that can go wrong does and things no one would even think could go wrong also go wrong. I am so tired. I’ve been thinking over the months if I stay in Germany I’ll die early, but I thought it was due to how car drivers seem to wish to get cyclists, not because of the health system, but I guess I was too hopeful.

CW negativity

Hope is poison which hides the true state of the world. One must not be hopeful, but instead of perceive the rancid state of the matters and actively oppose them. Here, I cannot even do anything due to a language barrier. I know protesting doesn’t do anything, but I’d like to be able to do it still. I also have my hands tied due to being an immigrant so I’ve no real ability to participate in politics (not that citizens do).

I also don’t understand my finances. I am aware everything is expensive, but the money fucking melts. Only things I buy are food. Getting takeaway is marginally more expensive than getting groceries.

I just want the fucking surgery. Why the fuck can’t they handle this shit as they should. Why cannot one thing workout in this fucked up country. I want to go home, but I don’t have one to go to.