So, I’ve never posted on one of these type forums before. But I just needed to tell someone, because I don’t feel like I have any IRL I can tell.
I haven’t dated much. In my 30s, gay, and I’ve had a couple boyfriends, lots of sex/random hookups, but never really delved deep into dating. I’ve always used my lifestyle as an excuse, I don’t have a lot of free time for potentially identifying reasons (don’t want this linked to my main account). But the reality is a lot simpler. I’m ugly. I don’t have a great face, and even if I did, I’m fat, I’ve been balding since 17, and my teeth are jacked up. Despite brushing my teeth 3 times a day, I have bad cavities, and a few years ago I had to have a front tooth extracted.
But a couple weeks ago I met a boy. It was great. A hook up turned into a date, turned into days of texting, him asking to be exclusive, turned into a second date, and some of the best, most passionate sex I’ve ever had. Then the next day he got distant, and the day after that told me he needed space, didn’t want to talk anymore.
He said that this “every day thing” was too much, and he couldn’t deal with the “cutesy shit.” He was the one that initiated all of that. I don’t have a lot of self confidence, and it’s hard for me to be cutesy or affectionate, or put myself out there. Most of the time I just want to melt into the scenery, be as unnoticed as possible… Not easy when you’re well over 6 foot, nearly 300 pounds and a tenor.
I think this was it for me, y’all. I can’t take this again. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I told my friends about him, and now I don’t even want to ever speak to them again, because I am so incredibly embarrassed. They’re going to ask about him, and I’m going to tell them that it didn’t work. And they won’t say it, but they’ll know why. Because who the fuck could handle this? I just want to curl up into a ball and stop existing. I’m not actually suicidal, and I don’t need help on that. But I think I’m done with ever trying to have a relationship. I can’t do it. I can’t handle being cutesy with a guy again. The idea of letting anyone else see that side of me fills me with dread at this point. It’s like he found every insecurity I had and hit each and every one of them without ever mentioning them directly.
And the worst part is, I can’t even really be angry at him. He’s younger than me, he deserves better than I could have offered. He has every right to not want to talk to me, I’m not some incel that thinks I’m owed love or sex. But dammit, it fucking hurt and I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had a few boyfriends before, but I’ve never cried over one. I’ve never felt so connected to a person so quickly. It wasn’t like we were even really together, but I had very high hopes. Really, for the first time. I didn’t know I could feel like that, especially so quickly.
I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get out of posting this. I just needed to write it out, I guess
It will get better. Don’t run away from the pain, feel it. Don’t give yourself a deadline, just allow yourself to feel shitty, and change will come on its own, even if it takes years.
I have been in many relationships with people that are ugly according to conventional beauty standards, and for me the deciding factor about attractiveness was not the genetics, but how people treat their body and how they feel for it.
Fat people often can’t get slim from sport, but man, cuddling a fat body that is strong and healthy and loved by its owner is so much more attractive. Just do whatever sport is fun for you, boxing, cycling, swimming, whatever. Have fun and break into sweats and eat well, get those proteins, build those muscles.
I promise it gets better and you can absolutely feel like a completely new person, not just because of the sport, but because of how your psyche develops on its own if you don’t run away from the pain.