For context, we’re both past the 30-year mark, with myself in my mids and him pushing 40. We’ve known each other from Uni, have been best friends since, and the entire thing pretty much turned into a siblinghood, with his family sort of “adopting” me (I’m perpetually invited to all of their family events and gatherings, his parents love having me around, etc.) We’ve been there for eachother through some of our worst times, and we got along really well.
That is, until the Pandemic hit. This has been going on for a while now, but it started getting more pronounced during the Pandemic, when he went from sharing edgy memes to expressing belief in the principles behind those memes (think “I identify as an attack helicopter,” “immigrants are exclusively to blame for the downfall of countries,” 4chan type jokes about minorities, etc.).
On my end, I tried to discuss these things with him at first, trying to get a sense of why he was doubling down on these things, and the closest I could come to understand it is that it’s a relatively irrational fear, fuelled by his tendency to not really explore the veracity of the news he reads - as an example related to his transphobia, it’s like he refuses to accept that sex and gender are not inextricably linked to one another, not on a logical basis, but on a “I feel this is incorrect” basis.
Things got pretty tense back in 2022, when I felt the need to call a time off on our friendship for almost an entire year. I just couldn’t play it cool when he randomly blurted out something profoundly inconsiderate and devoid of empathy. Conversations turned from heated debates to outright arguments, I could tell that the gap was widening with every subsequent one, and his beliefs seemed to solidify.
We reconciled in 2023 after his wife reached out to me expressing regret that we would lose the friendship over “politics,” tried to get back to acting normally around one another, yet the same issues popped up again. This time, with even less empathy. The most recent example was when we both learnt that Trump got elected president again. I expressed a sense of empathy and regret for all of the people who would no longer be allowed to get abortions, the risk he posed to HRT beneficiaries, the danger he posed to all minorities, etc. The only thing he could come up with is “I feel nothing, they deserve it. Did it to themselves.” I called him out on his utter lack of empathy, we had a brief, but poignant argument, and now we’ve barely been talking for two weeks. He periodically drops a message like nothing happened, but I am beyond hesitant to reply. Everything is cold and superficial.
Now, I tried to understand him and his situation… He’s a relatively fresh father (his daughter is 2 years old), he is aware of the fact that the world isn’t doing too well, but seems to be in denial about it which I sort of understand as being a method of self-protection, but I just cannot abide by his views anymore. No amount of panic or self-defence justifies this in my opinion.
I just don’t know what to do. I mean, I do know, or at least my subconscious does, but… I don’t know, guess the age and depth of our friendship makes me hesitant to drop it, although this is just the sunk cost fallacy at play… The fact that I feel I’m past my socialite days and knowing that I probably won’t make any more friends any time soon doesn’t much help, either.
Guess I’m just looking for confirmation around what I already know is the only option…
It sounds like he isn’t open to change and you don’t enjoy his company anymore. I think it’s time for a “you’ve changed man, and I don’t like this person you’ve become, if you ever get over this hatefulness you know my number, but until then don’t contact me.”
I hate to tell you it may be worth it to give up on him, it sucks for you, it’ll suck for him, and if I thought you’d change his mind it would benefit me for you to do so. But he seems committed, and when you apply force you often face an opposing force. Anything that might change him will be in his soul and it will involve him feeling consequences for his beliefs like the loss of friends.
And beyond that, sticking around will just prolong your heartbreak. Sometimes relationships end, and sometimes it’s ugly. We culturally accept that for romance, but it’s true for platonic, professional, and even familial relationships. There is only one person in the whole world you’re stuck living with for the rest of your life, and it’s you. I’ve found few regrets when I remember that fact before making hard decisions. Whatever choice you make here, make it one that someone you want to be would make.
You’ve hit the nail on the head, I did notice that my opinions seemed to push him even further into his…
I just wish he’d drop this fearful hate… I’ve come to know him as a decent guy over the years, and this shift took me completely by surprise. Hell, maybe the seed’s always been there, I don’t know anymore…
I understand that. One of the cruel realities of the world is that nearly all people have redeeming qualities and some people are generally wonderful except for some damning qualities. Other people in the thread have recommended you The Alt Right Playbook, which is an entire series I love, but the things it recommends are for before this point. There are resources of people who’ve been deradicalized from the far right talking about how they were radicalized and deradicalized and they’re probably your best bet for learning how to deradicalize him.
My recommendation came in part because it sounded like you were asking for permission to walk away from a long term friendship, and the answer is yes, that’s absolutely allowed and nobody here will judge you for it.
It fucking sucks though. And you’re allowed to mourn for the good person he seems committed to stopping being. But don’t hurt yourself trying to save a friend from who they’re choosing to be. And no matter how hard it is to find new friends it’s still worthwhile
Thank you so much, I’ll most definitely look into those resources! It feels so shitty to give up on him after so long, but I know I don’t have much control over another’s convictions.