I was in a relationship with someone who became an alcoholic. When he had been drinking he was emotionally and verbally abusive, extremely erratic and had wild mood swings. One moment he was sweet as honey, the next he was stabbing himself in the leg with a screwdriver telling me I was making him do it. Anyone who has had any first hand experience with alcoholics will likely be extremely sensitive to people who’ve been drinking.

Can you honestly say she never tried to dissuade you gently? For a lot of women, saying they have a boyfriend/husband is the equivalent to “thanks but no thanks” while avoiding a possible conflict or negative reaction. She might have already made those “polite efforts” without your realizing. She may have been highly aware of your morning routine and afraid of unpredictable and emotional backlash. You say you were not at your best so it sounds like you already know you might have made some social missteps. Rather than calling her a rat and directing anger at her, acknowledge and understand your own role in this. I’ve come off as an asshole to people I wanted to be friends with, and messed up and they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Is that their fault? I try to learn from it. What jokes can’t be made or what favors can’t be asked. You say you’re sober now so it sounds like that’s a start.

You can continue existing knowing you can be better. You’re still young. You can learn from this and not repeat your mistakes. Listen to possible cues that someone is trying to end an interaction. Wait for reciprocity of engagement. Be empathetic and understanding of each person’s perspective. The best way to say sorry is to change. You changed your behavior towards that girl and so you can consider that having made your amends. You can let that go now, and start fresh with new people and new interactions.

So from what you’ve written here, it seems like whoever you were talking to either overreacted or was genuinely worried for her safety and went to someone at the school before trying to talk to you about how uncomfortable she felt. If what you say is true, she could’ve just confronted you about it. Teenagers often do weird shit.

To adress your points:

• I feel you man, I really do. It’s really difficult to let go of these things, especially when they dig their hooks so deep into your psyche. Talking about it helps, so it’s good you’re going into therapy. Perhaps your therapist can give you another perspective on that situation. That letter you received was not supposed to scar you for life.

• Yes, you deserve love! The fact that you feel guilty about this and have thought about it so much proves how much you can care and feel.

• Awesome, I’m proud of you, OP.

• Teenagers do dumb shit all the time.

• Get some hobbies, improve upon yourself, go outside, join clubs/groups/sports teams, get an education or learn a trade. The world is yours for the taking.

Generally, if you want a relationship, you need to make sure that both parties are interested. Do this by striking up general conversation, asking about jobs, interests, hobbies, etc. and leg conversations flow naturally. Listening really is underrated.

I hope this helps, OP!

Okay, I’ll try to take a stab at this point by point:

• The intended effect was for you to go no-contact with her. Imo - a nuclear option on her part (and as you mentioned, there were alternatives).
• Yes, you do, and yes, I am sure. No discussion on this point, no moral hair-splitting-type-of-deal.
• That’s the best thing you could have done. While battling addicition and your inner demons is an uphill struggle (been on therapy for 4 years after a distaster of a break-up myself), it’s worth it, if not for your friends and family, then for you and for the sake of improving as a person.
• Unfortunately, cannot give you an answer on this. And, to be completely honest, you don’t need one; best thing you can do here in my opinion is to let it go.
• Keep going to therapy, keep working on yourself. This will pass if you keep working on this, I promise.

Sounds rough, but don’t let that moment define who you are. People are scummy, they will throw someone they don’t know under the bus to save another. Sounds to me like she tried socialising, bit off more than she could chew and found an easy way out. You being an unfortunate bystander.

I get why it would stick with you for that long, it’s unfair, it’s unjust and a bit exploitative what happened to you. You were 18, still in school, that’s the harsh reality of what happens there. But what happens in school should never define who you are, at that age you barely know who you are.

1. What happened marked you, played with your trust and self-esteem. All of which will take some time to heal. There will be a moment in your life where you’ll be laughing at that story with your new SO saying what cruel tricks the world plays on us. But that moment will come.

2. The thing with love is you really don’t know when it’s about to hit you but you can’t try to force love. You can’t go talking to every woman like she’s your next love, but you can make friends, talking to people without any form of attachment or attraction will guarantee lifelong friends, which may turn into romantic relationships. Along the way you’ll find friendships and relationships have a lot in common, and even if you don’t find your soulmate immediately, you’ll have received unconditional love from your friendships. So in short, everyone deserves love, and love will find you if you open yourself up to it, but don’t go actively searching for it.

3. You fight your battles, and you’ve fought them well, more will come, but you’ve got a sword, shield and armour now so who can touch you?

4. People can be scummy, when accountability fails people think they can get away with anything. Don’t let a rash decision someone made years ago to save her own ass define your whole life.

5. People on the internet can’t help you stop hating yourself, but if it’s any comfort, many people hate themselves all the time. But find the support you need, throw yourself into situations you’re not comfortable with, one step at a time you’ll find you can walk up mount Everest.

How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

I want to address this point because it is the one where I felt you needed the most perspective. It is also central to everything else you asked here. One of the steps in the maturation process is learning how to empathize, and to consider things from someone else’s perspective even when that is uncomfortable. Another piece of that is learning to avoid taking things personally, and thinking in terms of people doing things to you.

We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt by not assigning motivations to their actions because the truth is we don’t know what someone’s else’s motivations are. Generally speaking, what other people are thinking is none of our fucking business.

In terms of empathy, it is important to realize that for most of human history social interaction was an inherently vulnerable activity for women. Some women want to be friendly as a cultural norm, but may also be extremely averse to conflict due to fear of reprisal or violence. This is not inherently a reflection on you, and you have no idea what the other person’s lived experience might be. They may have have been the victim of sexual violence, child abuse, or other trauma. You just have no idea, and again it is not your business.

In this case they made the decision to handle the situation administratively because that is what they were comfortable with. Your comment about them being a rat is based on your own misplaced anger and shame. That is not a healthy reaction to have, and you need to learn to give yourself grace. Forgive yourself because we all make mistakes. It is how we respond to our mistakes, and what we learn from them that matters.

Perhaps you were being a bit overbearing because you weren’t in the healthiest frame of mind at the time, and were looking for genuine human contact to help curtail those emotions. You need to forgive yourself for that. Shit happens. It does not make you a bad person to have misjudged a situation just as it does not make the other person bad for asserting boundaries in a way they were comfortable with.

Let me say this, accepting and asserting healthy boundaries is the foundation of every lasting and healthy adult relationship. You need to get comfortable with that, and really chew on it until you understand what that means as well as what that looks like. It is great you are in therapy and looking to grow emotionally as a person. Use that time to evaluate that topic of boundaries as it is the tool that will improve your relationships more than any other in my experience.

Regarding the more personal questions you rased about the guilt and pain you are feeling: It is time to set down that burden. You need to give yourself permission to be vulnerable too. The best way out of pain is to walk through it, and not to wallow in it. It is easy to stay stuck, to stay in pain once that is what you have become accustomed to. Misery is like a security blanket. We become comfortable and complacent. We choose not to take chances, and give ourselves permission not to grow. It is a devious mental trap.

To walk through the pain is to accept your mistakes, take accountability for your part in them, forgive yourself for them, and realize that one moment in time does not reflect the totality of who you are today. You are doing the work to grow, so give yourself credit for that. Give yourself the permission to make mistakes again, and to be happy anyway. No state is permanent, and no relationship is ever going to be anywhere close to perfect. People are messy. ALL OF THEM, EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE. So as we get older we (hopefully) learn how to get better at dealing with the mess. You gotta love yourself first as cliche as it is, and that means not taking anything too seriously. Live your life, fuck up here and there, love the highs and appreciate the learning experience of the lows. Stay sober, and challenge yourself always. If you do that you’ll be okay.

Hopefully some of my ramblings here have been helpful or insightful in some way. If not, well, I did my best, and I ain’t perfect either friend. I’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of bad shit too. But I love life all the same. It is a wild ride, and I am thankful to be on it because I know it will be over in the blink of an eye.

I will leave you with this: “We are but a speck of dust, and yet the whole universe may depend on us…”

Well, you can start by not calling everyone who goes to the authorities a rat.

When the person you are speaking to inserts ‘I have a boyfriend’ (or equal) into the conversation and it seems out of normal flow in any way I believe it does mean ‘please stop talking to me’ / ‘please stop spending attention on me’. I interpret it as them being uncomfortable for some reason as they have raised a defense. Best to just exit the conversation as politely and quickly as possible and move on.

In isolation it doesn’t reflect on you at all, you can’t know their mind. If it happens over and over and over, you may wish to reflect on your approach. Therapy maybe, or have a trusted friend watch your interaction for comments.

You’ve had a lot of good advice here. I’m just going to drop this in:

When a woman tells you she has a boyfriend, 99% of the time it means she wants you to back off. This is because men respect (and fear) other men in a way they do not respect (or fear) women. She’s hoping to end the conversation without having to hurt your feelings or risk you getting violent. Next time, take the hint instead of continuing to make her (rightly or wrongly) feel threatened.

You don’t have to beat yourself up about it. You do need to think about why you got it wrong, work out how not to do that again, and forgive yourself for having found out the hard way.

She might’ve been too scared to confront you in person. If you were so deep into substance abuse your brain chemistry was completely different and your comprehension of reality is skewed. This also includes things like you not being receptive to hints that she wasn’t comfortable talking to you.

Alcoholism is really tough and it’s hard to understand the line between your responsibility while being a victim to a powerful and aggressive drug. We make mistakes, we don’t have to live with them forever but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get pushback from others for said mistakes. It sounds like you need more work understanding the position she was in and accepting that she felt threatened. Her response might’ve been overblown, but you can’t demand others to be rational while acknowledging how complex your own mind is. You also need to understand that admitting mistakes and loving yourself are not contradictory concepts.

I’ve had a few friends who suffered from substance abuse. Amazing, kind friends who turned into inadequate, concerning, and sometimes threatening people under the influence. I hurt for them so much but during episodes the only thing I can do is stay away, and ask them to stay away. They’ve done stupid stuff but we always forgive each other, we stay friends and I love them, and I am willing to put up with their outbursts because of that, and because they keep trying to do better, but from a stranger or an acquaintance I have zero tolerance for that shit. You will have forgiveness from some and not others, it’s part of life.

I have also noticed that they experience memory issues when drinking, so some conversations I have had when I thoughtfully and thoroughly explained things disappeared from their mind very quickly, so you shouldn’t fully trust your recollection of the vibe between you two.

Good luck in your journey towards recovery and acceptance. It’s not an easy life. Admit mistakes but don’t let them keep you from giving lots of love and compassion to yourself, you sound like you need it.

Yikes.

I think it all revolves around your alcohol abuse. Starting the day with wodka is never a good idea. And you being 18 at the time does not make it better.

Realism should tell you that not your person made her do this but your addiction/alcohol abuse and your depression.

You probably said some things due to that combination which were awkward or maybe even scary. Or, which is also a thing, your “state” made her anxious and a little bit scared. Quite possibly both. You said strange things and she thought you scarey looking.

So far so good. I can rationalise that all since im no part of it all.

Now comes the assholes part: your school, everyone there , were assholes for making you sign that. It was stupid, it was kicking someone when their down. You needed help, not restrictions.

You needed a talk, no “contract”. Like: Yo, this girl is a little bit scared of you and prefers not to talk to you anymore. She is afraid to tell you this in person so I’m doing my job as a school official. So back off from her and frankly: you need help. Lets talk about that. Etc.

That’s what shouldve happened.

That would be brutal but honest and such is life.

This? This was the easy way out.

Continue existing? Of course. Living is learning and you learned from this since you’ve sobered up. You’re great for accomplishing that. A lot of people can’t do that!

Healthy relationship: start with “just” relationships. Find out what interest you and get together with other like minded people. Just be you but always be clean and neat. People tend to stick with the first impression they get of someone. Being, what’s the English word, groomed? Is a big part of that. Healthy will come, just you wait. :)

No longer a threat: here you go, this is probably what freaked her out. Be honest to yourself. Don’t sugarcoat it. You can’t heal if you’re not real (to yourself).

How, why: she was scared, plain and simple. She didn’t dare to tell you no because she was afraid of what might happen. Account it to “shit happens”, learn from it and move on. Moving on from a crush is hard, yes. But you must. It’s been 6 years. A lot has happened in that time, no?

Hate yourself : wtf dude? Here you are, changing, sober , in therapy… You matter! You deserve to exist!! There is so much more to experience, some good, some bad. Both are needed for a balanced life and worldview.

Some days will be bad, some days will be good. Most days are in between :). Every experience is worthwhile. Every moment only happens once. Be there to experience it, however banal it is. Life is such a short stint in eternity. It’s a strange, rare gift in this universe and because of that worthy of experiencing. Because there comes a moment you won’t.

Its like they say in GoT: what do we say to the god of death? not today.

I think the important thing to remember, is that everyone makes mistakes. It looks like you both have learned, and are willing to learn, from that experience to become a better person.

I don’t think I’ve met anyone that doesn’t cringe about something they’ve done in the past. It’s part of growing up. The fact that you’re facing it is a positive thing that shows maturity.

Everyone deserves love. Don’t be so tough on yourself, man!

Is this a repost from reddit or are you actually here to talk about it?

I’m sorry to hear about your difficult experience and the impact it’s had on you. It’s obvious that this situation left a deep scar on your soul, and I applaud you for seeking therapy and getting sober.

I, personally don’t know you nor her, nor was I present when all this happened but I think it’s important to remind yourself that there are always two sides to a story. While your intentions may have been innocent, her perception of the interactions might have been different. It’s possible that what felt like friendly conversation to you was perceived as uncomfortable or intrusive to her. This doesn’t necessarily make anyone the “bad guy” – it’s just a reminder of how complex human interactions can be and how two people can interpret the same situation very differently.

Regarding your self-perception and fear about future relationships, it’s crucial to understand that one incident doesn’t define who you are or dictate your future. People grow and change, especially when they actively work on themselves as you have. Being sober and in therapy are important steps towards understanding yourself and learning how to build healthy relationships.

Regarding how she chose to handle the situation, it’s important to acknowledge that her actions, whether perceived as right or wrong, are beyond your control. While it’s possible that her intentions were not entirely good-hearted, focusing on this aspect might not be constructive for your own healing journey. You cannot change her actions or her perception of the events, only how you respond and learn from the experience. This is part of accepting the past and focusing on your own growth and future.

I want to stress, that self-forgiveness is a vital part of healing. Continually hating yourself for past mistakes is not productive. Recognizing your growth and the efforts you’ve made to improve is important. You’re not the person you were six years ago.

Finally let me tell you that everyone deserves love and the chance to enter into a healthy relationship. This experience doesn’t change that. I highly recommend discussing your feelings with your therapist, who can provide more personalized guidance and support.

And as last two cents: remember, growth often comes from challenging experiences. You’re on the right path by acknowledging the past, learning from it, and making positive changes. Keep moving forward!

I hope you find something useful in my babbling and wish you a wonderful day 🙂

How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?

You are the only person who will remember this even happened after a few months. No one else is thinking about embarrassing things that happen to you all, they’re thinking about their own embarrassing moments.

How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?

The key to receiving love is to stop needing it. Relax and become absolutely comfortable being by yourself, and ironically you’ll be presented with more opportunities for relationships.

How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

Sometimes people aren’t comfortable confronting others directly and this seemed easier. It’s understandable, women outright rejecting a man is a dangerous thing for them to do.

How can I not continually hate myself forever?

If you can figure this out, let the rest of us know how.

This is very embarrassing but you will get past it if you relax and move on. Don’t take it personally. Don’t try to get closure from this girl. But from here on out you’re going to work on your relationship with yourself, treating yourself and giving yourself the appreciation you deserve.