Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar
experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts
down. I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4
years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a
man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad,
so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it
aside easily and continue with my life. Sure, I would have bad days where
dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like: “Why can’t I look like her?
Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so
many people hate me for being who I want to be?” But as always, these times
would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day. My wife
of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we
have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general
preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I
have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both
come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she
still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+
friends. In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was
gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other
everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been
able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash
from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but
obviously that has more potential consequences. The more time passes with me
accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that
way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense
experience. Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric
experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian
couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public.
Also, with my wife’s pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity
clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly
well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years) I know
for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and
friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future
together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open
mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome. I
wish it wasn’t so hard to keep pretending. I’m just so tired.
Link to my first post. When we were sharing our new year’s resolutions with each other earlier this month, I told her I want to he more true to myself, and more honest with her. I told her she deserves that, and that I love her.
We have talked about having “a conversation” soon. For us, we understand this to mean at least 2-3 hours where we sit down intending to talk without being interrupted. Time has continued to get away from us as we are settling into being parents as well with a 2 month old.
We have each made mentions of, “the conversation”, and how we haven’t forgotten, just haven’t had the right moment yet.
Girls, I am just so proud of myself for taking this step. Even though nothing has really happened yet, it feels like more has happened in the last month than in my entire life.
I think it’s more that there are a lot of people that would not be OK being in a relationship with someone that is trans. Hopefully this persons wife is open and it doesn’t cause friction in their relationship, but to act like that’s not a possibility is being willfully ignorant.
No shit? The fear of causing friction is the entire reason the OP posted this in the first place. The act of coming out to your partner is difficult and may cause issues yes, but to pretend it’s going to immediately and ALWAYS ruin your relationship/marriage is asinine.
And even if it does ruin your existing relationship, living as yourself is always preferable to hiding your true self for the sake of a relationship where you act out a role.
The initial person you replied to was a bit rude in the way it was portrayed, but I think they still have a valid point. Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids, and coming to the decision together after the talk as to whether they want kids. Now, if it doesn’t work out, the kids are affected as well. Maybe that wasn’t possible, or even if it was I can see how difficult that must be to bring up to your significant other. There’s also a bunch I don’t know about op or op’s wife. Maybe op is fairly confident wife will be OK with this, which makes it less of an issue.
Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids
Ideally OP would have transitioned at the earliest possible moment in her life, arguing over windows of opportunity is pointless.
If OP continues to repress and her mental health drops further because of it, that’s going to affect her relationship as well. OP seems to feel that this is a good moment to come out to her wife, so I’m going to side with her over some unrelated cis people.
I’m not disagreeing with you…but two months after the person just gave birth to your child? I’m not saying hide it forever, but holy shit, that’s a hell of bomb to drop after your life has already massively changed from having a kid. OP put off saying anything about for 5 years, and now feels that 2-mo post-birth is now the perfect time to have this discussion? Like…maybe wait until her hormones have adjusted back to normal? I don’t know…just a suggestion.
Here’s a suggestion: take your suggestion and shove it.
You clearly don’t understand how taxing it is to stay closeted, 5 years of repression is a hell of a time and if OP is at her limit where she NEEDS to say something, then she needs to say it. It’s not as if this kid just popped into existence out of nowhere. If OP feels this is the right time, I’m going to trust her over what some performative ally has to say.
OP put off saying anything about for 5 years, and now feels that 2-mo post-birth is now the perfect time to have this discussion?
Hopefully this isn’t the case, there isn’t enough information here to say one way or another, but it certainly gives the appearance of attempting to trap the partner in the relationship with the child. It’s a common tactic of abusers.
I think it’s more that there are a lot of people that would not be OK being in a relationship with someone that is trans. Hopefully this persons wife is open and it doesn’t cause friction in their relationship, but to act like that’s not a possibility is being willfully ignorant.
No shit? The fear of causing friction is the entire reason the OP posted this in the first place. The act of coming out to your partner is difficult and may cause issues yes, but to pretend it’s going to immediately and ALWAYS ruin your relationship/marriage is asinine.
And even if it does ruin your existing relationship, living as yourself is always preferable to hiding your true self for the sake of a relationship where you act out a role.
The initial person you replied to was a bit rude in the way it was portrayed, but I think they still have a valid point. Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids, and coming to the decision together after the talk as to whether they want kids. Now, if it doesn’t work out, the kids are affected as well. Maybe that wasn’t possible, or even if it was I can see how difficult that must be to bring up to your significant other. There’s also a bunch I don’t know about op or op’s wife. Maybe op is fairly confident wife will be OK with this, which makes it less of an issue.
Ideally OP would have transitioned at the earliest possible moment in her life, arguing over windows of opportunity is pointless.
If OP continues to repress and her mental health drops further because of it, that’s going to affect her relationship as well. OP seems to feel that this is a good moment to come out to her wife, so I’m going to side with her over some unrelated cis people.
I’m not disagreeing with you…but two months after the person just gave birth to your child? I’m not saying hide it forever, but holy shit, that’s a hell of bomb to drop after your life has already massively changed from having a kid. OP put off saying anything about for 5 years, and now feels that 2-mo post-birth is now the perfect time to have this discussion? Like…maybe wait until her hormones have adjusted back to normal? I don’t know…just a suggestion.
Here’s a suggestion: take your suggestion and shove it.
You clearly don’t understand how taxing it is to stay closeted, 5 years of repression is a hell of a time and if OP is at her limit where she NEEDS to say something, then she needs to say it. It’s not as if this kid just popped into existence out of nowhere. If OP feels this is the right time, I’m going to trust her over what some performative ally has to say.
Hopefully this isn’t the case, there isn’t enough information here to say one way or another, but it certainly gives the appearance of attempting to trap the partner in the relationship with the child. It’s a common tactic of abusers.