(This is my first post in this community, plz tell me if something is off.)

CW: struggles in health care, mention of dysphoria, anger and despair.

Right now I am at a frustrating point. I am not sure what my question is. Maybe just: How could anyone deal with this all?

What’s up: I am in my mid 30s and used to be not too serious about being male for…ever? however, i was good at not feeling anything for about the same time. So every thought about the possibility of being trans was put down by something like ‘yeah maybe, but i don’t feel a need to do something here.’ That changed last autumn. After years of therapy and a serious of stress inducing events I reached a point at which I suddenly had access to what i felt, and it was great, and sad, and joyous, and overall much. (cracking an egg is a tame metaphor!)

My Problem from the start was, that at that point i wasn’t in regular therapy anymore. I quickly reached out to some councelling services i could find, and that helped. But I wanted (and still want) to go on HRT. For that I needed some rubber stamps from a therapist. After like 5 month i found someone who would give me a paper, which was a great day. since then i was ‘just’ struggeling to get an appointment with an endocrinologist somewhere reachable for me. (I have an appointment now for … November).

So all is fine? Well i recently tried to talk to another doctor about HRT. On the phone they said I should come over – i learned to be very concise and asked again if they would help me frfr with these specific problems… When I got there they said:

• “nah, we can’t help you with that.”
• “what is ‘transfeminine’?”
• a lot of ‘he’/‘sir’

this doctor then called a friend who works in the biggest hospital of the region, if she had ideas (actually a nice gesture!). this friend then put me on a waiting list for therapy in their … whatever? Also we briefly talked about my hsitory. During this she mentioned that this person i got the this-person-should-be-on-HRT-paper from is basically not accepted anywhere. I knew that there were conflicts, because he is quite queer-freindly and of course people can’t have that, but hearing that this paper would not help me with any endocrinologist in the region just shattered me.

It feels like all I do and try is just washing away. Basically all that shit I did over the last 9 month has been a waste of time? I need to convince a new therapist to believe me, wasting their time, mine and the time of every other patient?! There is so much more i should worry about, but instead I will be devastated later this year, bc nothing will have happened to me other than getting older in the wrong way.

I am out as trans to a couple of people and i did go out in dresses and stuff for years (now more frequently). I am living my truth. But I still see that guy, and I realise now, why i was never happy seeing that guy in the mirror. No kind of transition will solve all my problems, sure. But this one problem has such an obvious fix!

This is all so wrong. A lifetime of depression has (in great part thanks to my therapy!) come to a point at which I know what at least one of the causes is, and this whole health care system acts like: “nah, you haven’t had therapy. we need at least 3 or 6 months therapy until we believe you. what’s that? you can’t find a therapist, bc they all don’t take new clients? try harder, you lazy fuck!”

So … how does one endure this?

toodles! phr