I’ve been slamming it into walls and hurling it at the ground this past week. I’m also dying if it manages to fall in one of the countless holes in the wall as well. I’ll break everything I own and cut myself up in the process. My hands and arms are so sore but I still make it to work.
You seem to be in a state of crisis. The Internet mightn’t be the best place to reach out for support, but support is what you need. Check in your location for a free help line (perhaps suicide hotline).
I miss anonymous vent websites. They were a lot more helpful than trying to get some random person to understand me. Just. Getting it off my chest so it can come back and haunt my life again later.