What helped you make the decision to be child-free? How do I be sure about what I want? Looking for recommendation - resources, articles, books etc.
My partner just let me know he would be ready to start trying in a year. My head just spun. I am not ready now at 31 (as a woman and my clock is going tick-tock) and I don’t think I will ever be ready. I am neither excited about the process of birthing nor does a crying pooping tantrum-throwing machine excite me!
R/regretful parents made it easy to decide. Did not want to even slightly risk to end up like them
I don’t think any first time parent is ever going to be ready. If birthing is a fear you have, go for a c-section instead.
Kids are also very different from one another. Tantrums are not commonplace, it depends how you approach your kid when it is sad, upset etc.
PS: sorry for not linking you any articles. Choose whatever you feel works for you and your partner :)
That’s terrible advice. A C-section is a major abdominal surgery, where you can’t do much after, and for weeks. (This includes a carry limit of less than baby plus car seat)
Truly, if birthing is a problem, adopt. But if children are the problem, then maybe it’s not for you.
I asked my mom how much I cost to raise. She said about $35,000 per year.
I figured over 20 years that’s a lot of ski trips, corvettes, grand pianos, surfboards, nice dinners, and home renovation projects. So I decided I’d rather have those.
I have misophonia and certain sounds are so grating and painful that it takes all my focus to disassociate from it and not give in to the rage. I couldnt imagine dealing with all the screaming and crying and still keeping my cool 100% of the time like I do right now. Better not to risk it.
Sometimes I think I would like to pass on skills or knowledge or help someone navigate through life but I could just write a fucking book and not subject another person to this bullshit.
I just knew it would make me miserable to have to be a responsible person every day for someone else’s sake. I live in chaos and I’ve made my peace with fucking my own life, but if a kid was in the picture I would step up, but I would hate every moment of it.
Becoming a biological parent means you’re causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it’s an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017
By becoming a biological parent, you’re contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.
You could help out.
You have to be a bit selfish and think about what you want. Do you want kids? As a woman do you want to go through child birth? If these are things you don’t truly desire and want you’re going to be miserable raising a child, which won’t be good for you or the child.
Also, if you and your partner are not on the same page here you need to be. You need to talk about what each other wants, and if you both want different things then you’ll want to consider your future together because it might not work out.
Ultimately what you want and what your partner wants are both equally important.
After battling with fertility for years, we were close to accepting to be child free and gave it a final try. So now I’m a 40+ parent.
I would have preferred to be in my 20s or 30s instead of 40s because the first several years children costs sleep and energy and when I look back my younger body would have handled it much better.
So my suggestion is: Make the choice sooner rather than later.
Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.
Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.
Wow this is a great short and straightforward way to explain it.
What helped you make the decision to be child-free?
https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
That was 30 years ago, now it’s only worse.
People say when you become a parent, you dont have time to do the things you want to do anymore.
I suggest that you still do what you want to do, but the things you want to do change.
I still enjoy going to concerts, and hitting the bar scene with friends, but now I also like teaching my kid how to do things and watching him figure things out.
Yes they start out as crying poop machines, but they get much more interesting than that.
The sleep deprivation is way more of an issue than poop. My 9 year old woke me up at 3 in the morning, because she had a nightmare this was after the two year old decided she could only sleep in daddy’s bed and before the 4 year old peed in her bed at 5am. I tolerate it because I actually want kids, but it is a lot of work.
You also have to consider any special needs/ behavioural problems that you or your partner had as a child, because a lot of those are hereditary. Not to mention they will get sick from all the childhood diseases and they’re not good about holding their vomit til they get to the bathroom. I have been puked on several times.
Then there’s the financial problems. If you’re tall your kid will blow through clothing really quick. My eldest is currently wearing adult XS clothes. They don’t eat much, but you’ll end up not being very adventurous in the kitchen because kids don’t eat nice food. If you are in the states daycare is pretty pricey. I know of at least one postdoc who quit her academic career because her entire paycheck wasn’t enough to cover the cost of daycare. If you live up north, winter clothing is really expensive. In Norway, a set of wool underwear will cost over 40 USD and you’re talking about the same for a cheap set of winter boots and about 100 USD for a snowsuit. These need to be replaced often.
All of this is worth it if you want kids. But you need to talk to your partner. If you don’t agree on weather or not you want children then you need to end things, because either way one of you will grow to resent the other. I’ve seen it happen many times either you are forced to give up your life for 18 years or he’s forced to give up on starting a family. Neither of those things are fair. I could give you articles but they’re all basically people’s opinions anyway. And the decision needs to be based on what you want for your life, not what someone else thinks.
I think people tend to know if they want kids or not. Reading isn’t going to help you that much.
Most children aren’t like that 90%+ of the time. I have 4 and only one really throws tantrums and that’s usually after a long day out and they’re over tired.
Having children can be one of the most amazing things you do with your life, if you want them ofc. It’s really hard to explain just how amazing it is.
You miss out on a load of experiences for sure, but you also get a huge amount of experiences that you wouldn’t otherwise.
Personally I didn’t make the choice. A drunk night in my 20s did lol but I’m super happy with it.
I have 2 kids and I cannot see myself without them anymore. However, they were a conscious and thought out choice I discussed with my partner.
With all of that said, having kids is hard, even when everything is going well. You are not the master of schedule for 10+ years and a lot of extra responsibilities are added to your life that you cannot ignore.
You miss out on a lot of experiences by not having kids, but that’s the same thing for having kids. You can do whatever you want whenever you want.
Loving children is a good reason not to have them. I think it’s cruel to bring a child into a world of declining resources, opportunities, and environmental health, and constantly increasing costs, risks, and insecurity.
To give you an actual resource: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. She’s a social worker and therapist that specializes in this exact issue.
The book is fantastic. It guides you through thought exercises and different considerations about having kids. I want to stress that she does not try to convince you to have a kid. She just helps you make an informed decision.
