Hello all, I am a 39M whose wife (42F) was just diagnosed with ADHD. We’ve had a suspicion ever since our 6 year old was diagnosed and we started doing a deep dive into it and realizing a lot of the symptoms fit her. Even some of the memes from this community helped her to start looking into it herself. She is relieved to find out she’s not just ‘a disorganized slob’, that there is a reason for her struggles, but now the real work begins.
My question is: what do you wish your partner would have known/done for you? I want to be as supportive as possible and make sure I’m not contributing to any negative feelings, and help her find ways to build coping mechanisms. Just looking for any advice!
Thank you for your comments! I’ll try to reply to the pertinent points below:
Inattentive. Being officially diagnosed hasn’t really changed a ton (it’s not like all of the sudden she changed how she acts) as we already have learned to deal with some of it, but it has helped to explain some things.
Yeah she definitely seems to have the executive dysfunction issues, can be very disorganized and have time blindness, which is nothing new. I like the idea of the kits you’re talking about, I’ll have to mention that to her (she knows I made this post as well). She doesn’t have the anxiety/depression part (although I struggle with anxiety and am on medication for it myself) so at least that is one less thing for her to deal with. I’m sorry you have those extra challenges!
It’s funny, I’m definitely more of the minimalist in our relationship, while she is the pack rat. Areas being super cluttered definitely ups my anxiety and stress, and it has definitely led to friction. I like to put things away when I’m done with them or when I first come home, but she’ll just put stuff down and then almost becomes blind to it being there while it’s seriously stressing me out. I know I haven’t handled those situations in the best way in the past, but I am really trying to focus on the fact that now we know for sure that it is the ADHD.
When I have tried to help my putting her things away, it never seems to end well. Either I end up putting them somewhere that makes sense to me but not her, or I ask her what to do with it and it feels like I’m judging/attacking her. It has turned in to me basically ignoring her piles of clutter (other then to make them a little tidier on whatever surface they are on) and just straightening up my and our son’s stuff (or family stuff that I know clearly where it goes) while cleaning around them. Do you have any suggestions for good neutral questions to ask that would help her not feel like I’m shaming or attacking her for the stuff being out?
I have found that doing what I can to help her get prepared the night before or morning of she has something to do has helped, as well as minimizing the amount of questions I have to ask so she has less of a mental load. I can be a bit of an idiot sometimes so I had fallen into a bad habit of just asking her stuff that I probably could figure out on my own, so I am doing my best to change that.
Honestly, I feel like this is me! Somehow, she functions better in a cluttered environment than me, almost like she’s blind to it (I think I may have mentioned that so apologies).
I’d like to think I’m pretty good about this - my wife works so hard and I try to remind her of that and thank her for it as well, instead of just taking it for granted. Over the weekend she had a number of things she wanted to do but was having trouble getting started, so I told her to just pick one, do it, and to try not to feel bad about not doing the others. We both are trying to be kinder to ourselves in that way, as we both tend to push ourselves and feel guilty when we don’t get as much done as we’d like.
These are some very good ideas, thank you! I have found it helps to have my own suggestions for things instead of always asking her what she wants, and I’ll have to try to do that even more. I find my mental energy gets limited for that kind of stuff too thought, sometimes. Aren’t we quite a pair? LOL
Yep, she already watches that channel and I really need to start. As far as counseling/medication, she is looking into it. She is a little resistant to just jump to medication but she is coming around to the idea. Right now, the doctor who diagnosed her just said to give it a little time to process, but can provide her with some counseling/medication resources when she is ready. She already sees a therapist semi-regularly who has some experience with ADHD, so hopefully she can get some support there as well.
Eh, I’m just a guy who can definitely do better, but thank you. And thank you for all of your comments. Do you have any other coping strategies you’ve come up with that you find helpful?