tl;dr: My partner refuses to meet agreed upon cleaning goals and it’s causing significant relationship issues. She’s never blamed her ADHD, but I know it’s a factor.
Is my ask (that she clean one uncommonly cleaned "chunk’ of the house each week) unreasonable? Or rather, is my reaction to her not clearing this (very low, in my opinion) bar unwarranted?
My partner and I are both women, both diagnosed with ADHD.
She doesn’t work due to anxiety, so I have to support us financially 100%, but she agreed early in our relationship (long before either of us had been diagnosed) that she’d take care of the housekeeping. She does some, but our house has never felt “clean” or “tidy” to me.
I lost my job during covid, and was lucky enough to get on the unemployment train for a while which was a blessing because I was battling severe burnout.
As our savings neared depletion, the thought of re-entering the workforce was causing me massive depression, and when I was all but ready to just give up on everything, I asked her for help.
Just a part time job, or work from home, or anything to generate income to take the weight off my shoulders so I could try to develop some entry level coding skills and get a job I could be proud of.
She agreed, filled out a resume and browsed some job boards… and nothing came of it.
After a while, I asked her to at least sell a box of old Amiibos on ebay. Once again, she agreed and didn’t follow through.
As the savings dried up, I was forced to get a shitty job that’s (still) just barely paying the bills.
After a few weeks of working again, I brought up the cleaning thing in an argument. I mentioned how she agreed to but never helped out financially, so I quantified the cleaning and set a (very low) bar for her to cross. She told me it was reasonable and it would get done.
3 years later and she has yet to clear the bar and our relationship is only being held together by a few thin strands of codependency.
The bar: On top of her baseline (Dishes, laundry, kitchen, living room, bathroom, and meals 4 nights a week, typically frozen pizza or something else from the freezer section, give or take), I asked her to take on a “Project” once a week. Something in the house that’s rarely cleaned, which roughly requires the effort it takes to clean and organize our small 2ft by 2ft pantry. So like an hour or so.
It’s not happening.
She throws excuses at me left and right, but she’s never blamed the ADHD. I’ve considered it though…
So what I’m coming here to ask… I know you don’t know her specific case (we are both at mild to moderate ADHD), but does my request sound unreasonable? Should I try to be more understanding?
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I mean, yes, please be understanding. But the current strategy of “will you do this thing, unsupervised, on a regular basis and starting at some point in the future” is definitely the least likely way to have the job actually done.
Here are some things you could do:
- Schedule in time to do something. Decide what it is that needs to be done at that point in time. It might not be the exact thing you want done, but it should be something - and then do it immediately when it’s decided.
- Help. Don’t supervise, just body double at least. This is a concept where being around people doing work makes us work. But doing it together will likely make it go quicker for everyone. Listen to a podcast or audiobook together while you do it. It will become a nice thing that benefits your relationship rather than a thing where in her RSD brain you are stating that you expect her to overcome her disability on a weekly basis, forever, to be with you.
- Start smaller, and praise. Praise a lot. Does it sound infantilising to praise someone for just not leaving their shit all over the place? Maybe. But this is how our brain chemistry is wired. If she recognises this it will help. It isn’t a slight or an insult, any more than handing a crutch to someone with a sprained ankle would be.
These are some great suggestions, though there is a lot more going on that wouldn’t fit in a lemmy post that makes some of it less doable, but still good advice. Especially about the scheduling and praise.
Thanks =)
I’m glad. I would recommend reading "How to ADHD by Jessica McCabe (or the YT channel of the same name). You might benefit and it sounds like your partner might. There’s lots of things to try and many different things work for different people even after medication.
Distribution of household chores is common to all relationship configurations, even platonic roommates. As are the issues of money you mentioned. The factor of ADHD might suggest augmented strategies, but the core principles remain the same.
It sounds like over time there’s been a breakdown of mutuality and trust in the relationship. Clearly there are unresolved emotional obstacles between the two of you which can easily result in the behavioral symptoms you describe, especially in the context of mental health struggles.
I’m not going to answer your question directly. First you must decide if this relationship matters to you enough to fight for, and you should be honest with yourself whether you are up for the fight with respect to your own mental, emotional, and physical health. If not, skip all this and just tell her. You owe her that and don’t need anyone’s blessing or affirmation of who’s at fault because it is entirely your decision. If you proceed, I recommend you seek couples counseling. It’s the most reliable way to help these discussions evolve in constructive and healthy ways.
If that isn’t possible, here are some general guidelines from my experience:
- Avoid seeking open-ended assessments from friends, relatives, and people on the internet unless you suspect you are being abused, because: it’s a coalition-building exercise used for things like group interventions; it doesn’t actually matter who’s right if your goal is reconciliation; and your partner will see it as some degree of betrayal.
- Instead, approach your partner directly with your feelings. Be vulnerable with her, even if her behavior has hurt you. Explain how and why it has hurt you, but avoid focusing on what she has or hasn’t done. If she insists, avoid using the words “always” and “never” and pay attention if she remembers differently.
- Listen and ask clarifying questions. Remember you care about her emotions even though you’re tired frustrated and hurt. Try to understand how she feels about this particular issue, but be ready to branch to others because this is likely the tip of a much larger iceberg.
- Consider how she receives what you say. Try to figure out how to communicate how import this is to you, or why she couldn’t understand before. For example, did she feel belittled or patronized by the request or is there something else she needs from you? (or has this become a gargantuan obstacle she fixates on because she feels so much scorn from you for her failure that the only way for her to adequately make it up to you and win back your favor is to go far above and beyond the original request and become a completely different person for you, a task so huge it is draining to even think about and maybe better left for the following day etc etc)
- Regardless, you’re her teammate and she is yours. You both share in eachothers’ victories and defeat. If you have a goal (such as a tidy home) she will want to help accomplish it, but if she struggles to do so your greater goal will be to assuage her anxiety and figure out how you can enable her, as her teammate, rather than attempting to use obligation or her prior failures to motivate her.
- What are her goals? Did she want to take on the housekeeping projects or did she agree to do it as a favor to you? Does she feel undervalued or overwhelmed? Is there something else that’s important to her?
- Once you know her goals, make them yours, the same way you expect her to invest in yours. Discuss with her how to accomplish her goals while accomplishing yours, and how you can enable each other. Don’t be afraid to look forward and put things in your calendar. You are planning your future together after all.
I think this is a problem beyond what any Internet stranger can reasonably address. I think you’re at a point where you really should be speaking with a therapist about it (on your own or with your partner, whatever feels right).
Nobody likes to talk about this, but it’s a drag supporting someone who doesn’t contribute much to the partnership. You do it because you love them, but it’s not unreasonable to want them to do anything they can to ease the burden of being a caregiver. You certainly don’t want them making it harder. On top of that, you have your own health struggles to deal with, so you’re not starting at 100%.
My wife and I have each been this person to each other at different points. It took work, but we both improved and are better partners to each other now. We did attend therapy together and separately.
I hope you figure it out!
Thank you ☺️