I (18F) have attachment issues. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s from trauma, maybe it’s just the way I am. Maybe I’m born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.
Anyway, I quickly get attached to people. It’s almost always a romantic partner, and if I’m single, the friend who talks to me the most. Right now, I’m not single, so it’s my S/O David (17M).
I have a problem with not only attachment issues, but emotional outbursts and thinking in black-and-white. These outbursts include freaking out or getting mad.
I’m trying to get better and I am seeking therapy. I don’t intend to hurt others, and I’m improving every day for David (he’s the attachment and probably the only person who sees me freak out, though I don’t freak out at him or blame him.)
Yesterday, I got mad. My outburst was that David was playing a game and he said it took too long and he couldn’t put the game down to be affectionate towards me, so our conversation went like this.
Me: “Hi babeeee <3”
Him: 'hi"
Me: “How are you?”
Him: “good”
Me: “That’s good! I am too!”
Him: “yeah”
I don’t know why I got an outburst. I don’t want to be this way. It doesn’t feel like me. It feels like a werewolf version of myself, changing by the light of the full moon. I really don’t want to hurt anyone and I know I wasn’t justified, so I’m working on it. I didn’t outright outburst at him, so I instead vented and wrote about it. I instead said “I don’t really like when you’re dry like that” and he explained why.
The thing is, David is usually affectionate towards me, using a lot of emojis and such, so when he types like that, it throws me off and I freak out, sadly.
I have acted worse with my other attachments and I have heard the same thing: “It sounds like you have a personality disorder.” “This is not healthy.” “It sounds like BPD.”
I don’t know for sure, but I will definitely get it checked out and look into it. My parents are also very sensitive to tone, so I may get it from them if it’s a genetic thing.
About “thinking in black-and-white” which I mentioned earlier, I can go from being super happy and thinking he loves me (white) to thinking he hates me, that he’s upset, etc. (black). It doesn’t even occur to me that there’s a gray area, but I’m learning to think there is even when I’m like this and that it can be both. Sure, he can be upset (black) but not at me and he still cares about me (white). It feels my brain does too much to protect me and I’ve noticed I became hypersensitive. Anyone else can share their story or say if they’ve experienced something similar.
Edit: I remember being a similar way even at 11. I do wonder if it’s an autism thing, honestly, or no. And I know strangers can’t diagnose, this is more or less just me sharing my story.
I (then 11F) never saw anything wrong with LGBTQ people, even growing up with homophobia. So when I befriended this really cool girl, “Matilda” (10F), I went for it when she said she was a lesbian who wanted to be my girlfriend. However, Matilda was a really edgy girl and she was also very sarcastic and brash. I was hypersensitive, and even worse.
I took everything to be people out to get me or being rude to me, so when I was told to stand up for myself, I became hypersensitive and defensive. In our friend group, this guy “Henry” (11M) would constantly hang out with Matilda. They would hang out alone, or go to each other’s houses. I couldn’t come with. I was either busy, my family wouldn’t let me go because they thought Matilda was a problem, or because Henry was a boy.
I constantly would freak out because I thought Matilda was “cheating on me”, as far as cheating can go in an elementary school relationship. Matilda eventually threatened that she would cheat on me if I asked if she would one more time.
I learned to calm down a bit, apologized to Matilda (though I didn’t really forgive myself for a while), and Matilda began to see me as a friend. At the end of fifth grade, we “broke up” as she saw me as a friend or sister and liked another girl. Matilda even said we were young and she forgot about what we said and did. I feel and felt bad nonetheless.
In any case, you’re heroically tuned into your self and your emotions. Recognizing these problems is simply wild for a person your age. You’ll be fine as long as you keep looking at yourself from the outside like that.
I may have attachment issues, but I think that’s not really connected to my reactions to what you’re talking about. I’ve heard that ADHD people tend to have rejection anxiety and maybe that’s what’s happening.
Anyway if I notice a difference in tone with people whether I’m attached or not, I pretty much always have a small anxiety attack. I panic about whether I missed something or if I messed up with something. I used to immediately go into “fix it” mode and I would emphatically try to fix whatever I did to earn that perceived scorn.
I’ve been getting better though. Now I just ask what’s up when I notice a change. I still panic a bit and asking about it gives me more anxiety, but it’s easier to get over it when they tell me “oh I’m just tired” or whatever.
It sounds like you worry about hostility and struggle with trusting your environment and the people you care about, but it does sound episodic which I can relate to. You definitely should seek professional help which I am not, but the best tip I could offer is to practice mindfulness and reflection.
I have anxiety attacks and major depressive episodes and my thoughts often become irrational in those moments and I act like a different person. The best way I’ve been able to manage it is by being able to quickly recognize when it’s happening and isolating myself so I don’t say things I don’t normally feel to people. I just kinda sit somewhere quiet and safe and tell myself it’s just an episode until eventually it goes away and I go on with my day or try again the next day.
this sounds a lot like my sister. now, she is 14, but I’m not calling you immature. I mean that it sounds very similar to her and she has borderline traits but she is also autistic and I heard that her case can’t be diagnosed until she’s an adult, but it does sound like her.
i’m sorry to say, but thinking in black and white is “splitting”, a common bpd symptom that i too experience (bipolar and bpd suspect). and no, I do not think constantly lashing out or accusing people of cheating out of paranoia is a sign of autism. it doesn’t just sound like autism but it could be, everyone presents themselves and disorders differently.
As someone with autism, thinking in black and white can be a symptom of autism though. And being overly sensitive to tone changes as well. This is because when you realize some things go over your head, you become extremely sensitive to small indicators because you always assume you’re probably missing the flashing lights everyone else is seeing.
That’s the exact reason armchair therapy is dangerous: we don’t know and an expert will be able to diagnose way quicker and with way more confidence.
I wish you the best and hope you get to know how beautiful relationships can be if you find a way to deal with your issues (maybe alone, or maybe together).
i didn’t realize this at the time of writing even being autistic, this is so true. thank you btw!!!
Thanks for being a good sport about it ^^
of course!! ^^
I’ve seen a few of your posts now and I have related to all of them. I really think you should see if you have BPD and, if at all possible, seek a therapist. I’ve said it before, all these relationship issues (how you feel, how you think, how your mood is affected by small things, etc) truly sounds like what I have come to understand about this illness myself after being diagnosed. I don’t have the benefit of therapy, though. I don’t have much advice to dealing with this shit because I don’t know how to deal with it, either. But I’m sure a therapist would be extremely helpful.
Do you know if autistic people exhibit this behavior? Because some people say I could just have autism (which I do)
Being confused by others’ actions/words and not necessarily understanding their intent or emotions, getting easily frustrated and throwing a tantrum (aka melting down), and taking rejection/disappointment extremely hard (like beyond what most people experience) are all also common autistic thijgs.
There is a lot of overlap between so many mental health issues. And, as recently noted in the news, if you have one type of mental illness, there is a high chance you have 2 or more along with it.
Thank you sosososo much!!!
