I need to vent. Mods, if this kind of thing isn’t welcome in this community anymore…oh well. It helped me feel better at least typing my thoughts into the void.
I got married to a wonderful, beautiful woman in 2021 after being together for 5 years. My parents are big cruise fanatics. They go on vacation like this about once every year or two. We both told them before the wedding - because they did this for my brother when he got married - they can get us whatever they want for a wedding gift, just PLEASE no cruises.
And they listened! We got some very nice, very expensive bedsheets that were perfect!
Fast forward a year. I get a call. My parents booked a 4 day cruise to Mexico over the week after Christmas '23. I’m not particularly assertive, but I was offering pushback on it. I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
My wife also didn’t want it. Neither of us asked for this. But after a few months of talking about it, both of us agreed: it’s free, let’s give it a fair shake.
Fair shake given. We tried our best to like this. I’m writing this from my cabin docked at Cozumel. We deboarded the ship for 15 minutes and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowd. We turned around, went back to our cabin and are now sleeping the day away. Maybe we’ll hit up the hot tub before everybody comes back. The crowd is too much. The longer I spend on this gargantuan vessel, the smaller it gets.
My brother, his wife, and their two small kids are also here. I think they’re also pretty exhausted. It seems like my parents have gone out of their way to spend time with that foursome. As for me, I only get notifications once they’re already somewhere and I have to catch up. I got a message saying “We’re at Senor Frogs.” I did not get “We’re going to Senor Frogs. Wanna meet up?”
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it. I feel invisible because I didn’t ask for this. And I feel angry because I feel like an afterthought. I feel like I got invited to this because my parents wanted to spend a week with my brother’s kids and I was given a ticket to tag along so I wouldn’t feel left out. I wouldn’t have felt left out by not being invited to something I didn’t want. I wouldn’t feel left out if I had been given the opportunity to say no.
I’m just burnt tf out. I want my house. With my quarter acre. And my neighbor with the stupid subwoofer. I want my bed (that doesn’t rock because it’s on solid ground), my cats, my dog, my plaid pajamas, my cold weather, and my coffee back at home in Oklahoma. I would have rather stayed home and built puzzles with my (also puzzle-loving) wife for a week. We are slow-paced, solitary, almost antisocial creatures. I’m wired differently from my family. And though I feel guilty for being unappreciative of their gesture, I won’t feel ashamed of being different. I didn’t ask to be this way.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I’m done. We shove off back for the States in an hour or so. We’re over the hill. We’ll be home soon, and I will never do this again.
Our family has never tried to drag us on a cruise, but I feel like this would me and my wife almost to a T. I do not get cruises at all, besides maybe Alaskan cruises. I’d much rather go to a country and visit it for real, not just go to some touristy resort.
Alaska is my favorite cruise. The view of glacers and mountins is great. The town you stop in not worth it, the sea days are not to miss.
But hey, at least you tried. You said it was 4 days. At least it wasnt one of those 2 weeks cruises.
You gave it a genuine try and genuinely didnt like it. Tag it as another experience in life you learn from. And thats about it. Next time they invite you just say you tried and you prefer doing something else.
You can also try to invite them for some activity you like for the next vacation.
Make sure you book your parents a bungee jumping experience- if they would hate it.
I live in a cruise tourist city and there’s no fuckin way I’m ever stepping foot on one of those boats. People who go on cruises are not humanity’s finest examples to say the least. When a cruise ship is docked here I simply avoid going downtown.
stepping foot
Bone apple tea.
Lol I’ve been making this mistake for years, TIL
What’s the “proper” way? Everyone says “stepping foot.”
Setting foot
It depends on so many things. I love cruising, and there are a lot of people who are just trying to see new things and spread their minds. There can be a-holes and entitled Karen’s, but that happens regardless of their method of conveyance. I’m trying to: be nice, see sites and sights I’ve only read of, seen photos of, (or never even heard of!), try some new foods, and learn a bit more about people and the world.
There are much better ways to accomplish this than taking a cruise…
The ones exploring my town usually just funnel into the Chinese owned souvenir stores then go back onboard to eat.
The only cruises I’d consider are places that aren’t really available without a ship. River cruises seem like a not-so-bad way to travel through the countryside. Same with Alaska, Patagonia and northern Europe. I haven’t seriously looked into it, but the idea of winding through fjords has a certain appeal to me.
Depends on your goals. I view it as a sampler pack. “Yeah, this place was interesting, next time I’d like to see…”, or “okay, I’ve seen X, that was okay, turns out I don’t care for…”, etc. I can’t see the world - there’s too much and i don’t have an infinite budget. But in a week you can see multiple cities in multiple countries, without having to live out of a suitcase.
You’re not seeing the real place off a cruise ship. Everywhere you stop is catered to tourists.
Worried about budget? Go to Germany and get the monthly rail pass. Way cheaper than a cruise and on your own schedule. See actual Germany. Just an example.
Learn to live out of a suitcase by the way. Well actually backpack because suitcases suck. You don’t need to bring your whole house with you, I just finished a 6 week trip with a 55L backpack and if you learn to pack well you are going to be comfortable. Ultralight community on reddit is pretty good for learning this skill.
Doesn’t work for my set of circumstances, but I appreciate it. Kudos for doing it in a 55L - I’ve tried it and it’s a bit too tight for me, but I see the draw.
Fair. Gear has come a long way in the last few years though if you are unaware. My 55L pack weighs like 800 grams and still has a frame.
Home bowl, too. Never poop as well anywhere else.
Sorry your family put you in this situation but you’ll be back home soon with all the fixins!
If I were you, I’d just do what made me happy and let others do what makes them happy and not worry at all about those two things overlapping.
Definitely do not feel guilty, but also try not to feel resentful. Lesson learned, next time you know to give a firm “no”.
I had to learn a few years ago how to say no. It came after spending years trying to please everyone and always having to come up with excuses for coming up short while feeling like all I did was disappoint people.
When I met my wife, she was the same. She’d work horrible hours, like closing down a restaurant at 3am and then being there at 9am with about 4 hours of sleep. She’d wake up late, apologize profusely to her boss and drive insanely fast to work. She also had a hard time being at important events like birthdays because “they wouldn’t let me have the day off”
I taught her, most things in life require little explanation. Instead of saying “can I please have x day off, I need to yadayada”… Say “I’m letting you know ahead of time, I won’t be unavailable on x date.” Nothing further. And if they ask why, simply rephrase “like I said, I won’t be available.” Or “I have something to take care of.” It’s incredibly uncomfortable for them to press on further but if for some reason they do you can refuse to answer by changing the topic or by ignoring them.
Same with things like being tardy. If you’re already late, then be late. Have your breakfast, get dressed, drive safely. No need to make a bad day worse. When you call to let your boss know you’ll be late, same thing. Maybe offer a small apology, but no excuses. “Hey, my apologies, I’m running late. I’ll be there in 30 minutes or so.” If they say “omg no you can’t be late today how could you do this to me” keep your cool, “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
There’s a book called the power of no which I partially read. Highly recommend it. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/18595404
Here’s the description
… a well-placed ‘no’ will not only save you time and trouble—it will save your life.
“Takes a fresh approach to becoming masterful at using ‘no’ to say ‘yes’ to life.” —Cheryl Richardson, author of The Art of Extreme Self-Care
“No” is sometimes the hardest word to say. It’s also the most necessary.
How many times have you heard yourself saying yes to the wrong things—overwhelming requests, bad relationships, time-consuming obligations? How often have you wished you could summon the power to turn them down?
Drawing on their own stories, as well as feedback from their readers and students, authors James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher clearly show that you have the right to say
• To anything that is hurting you. • To standards that no longer serve you. • To people who drain you of your creativity and expression. • To beliefs that are not true to the real you.
It’s one thing to say “No,” the authors explain. It’s another thing to have the Power of No. When you do, you will have a stronger sense of what is good for you and the people around you, and you will have a deeper understanding of who you are. Ultimately, you’ll be freed to say a truly powerful “Yes” in your life—one that opens the door to opportunities, abundance, and love.
At least you went, my guy. You can, without a doubt, say “that’s not a thing I like”. I have never done a cruise because I don’t think I would like them, and don’t want to be stuck in a boat for 3 more days after I find that out. Will I miss out on cruises? Probably not. Will I talk myself out of other things I might have actually enjoyed? Almost certainly.
It’s important to push boundaries and try new things, but it’s important-er to learn from those experiences and grow, even if the only “growth” you get here is the confirmation that trying a new thing might suck, but won’t kill you.
One man’s treasure is another man’s trash. You made things clear and they ignored you. You don’t owe anyone anything–and if they’re not inviting you anywhere, do whatever you’d like with your wife and ignore the rest. I bet if you ask around you could find a puzzle to bring back to your cabin.
This sucks. I hope you find your peaceful place on board. If you switch your hours and become night owls for the remaining days that might help. Cruise ships at 4am are different to cruise ships at 4pm.
Your story put me in mind of my MIL and shrimps. She loves shrimps and thinks they’re fancy. Anytime she makes them for a family gathering she spends a great deal of time encouraging me to try them, and after the third or forth request I always do, and I always find the texture disgusting, I always say “the seasoning is lovely, I just really hate the texture of shrimp,” and she’s always so surprised that I don’t like her shrimp. Your parents love cruises so much they can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t. And I don’t know the solution because pretending to be willing to try a sea insect is a much smaller commitment than four days on a boat. However, if they do keep insisting that you repeat this experience see if you can pay the difference and get a balcony. Maybe see if they have this option for the remaining time this cruise.
“sea insect” is a fantastic description. :)
Dave Wallace wrote a pretty popular essay called “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” which covers his unfortunate experiences on a paid-for cruise. Could be worth a read if you want some humor and commiseration.
I found a copy on Scribd, you might be able to find it elsewhere if you poke around.
https://www.scribd.com/document/157911921/DFWallace-A-Supposedly-Fun-Thing-I-ll-Never-Do-Again-pdf
That sounds frustrating. At least you two can say you tried.
Yeah. If there’s anything good to say about this, it’s at least that we can say for certain that this is not for us.
Is this your first cruise? Because I respect the hell out of people that try things they’re unsure of at least once.
That’s me with seafood. I’ve tried it a handful of times and have just decided that, hey, it’s expensive and I don’t enjoy it. So that’s enough for me
Yes, it is our first. This was something we’d never buy ourselves. If it’s within a 7 hours’ drive, we drive. Outside of that, put me in a 600 mile an hour soda can in the sky.
I also tried calamari on this cruise and didn’t love it. And I love fish. But not calamari. Now I know that about myself lol At least my mushroom risotto was top notch.
calamari
I’d never cook it for myself as it is a PITA to get right, it’s much more pleasant as ‘salt and pepper squid’ at Chinese takeaways.
I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
“Yes, and it must really not be our thing if we are saying no to all of that.”
Sometimes you need to pick a position and dig in your heels. Even when they start pushing and you start doubting yourself you can remember that you already made your choice…but not so easy when something is just suddenly thrown at you and you don’t get an opportunity to think on it first.
A lot of the experiences you described sound a lot like stuff I deal with. Have you ever been tested for autism?
Why does everything on Lemmy and Reddit have to devolve into autism or depression? Dude just wants to build puzzles with his wife.
There’s a lot more there than ‘likes puzzles’. Sometimes when you have a thing or are part of a group, a lot of seemingly unrelated things start to make a pattern that others might not see. Like ‘gaydar’ or alcoholism or autism. And there is a lot of undiagnosed autism and just an enormous amount of depression in general. And also OP already affirmed what I said in this same thread a couple posts down. But I didn’t say he has autism, I asked if he’s been tested…and guess what?
So it’s possible “everything is autism and depression” includes a big dose of cognitive bias on your end.
I think this just happens to be one of the things we share with neurotypical adults that have overly cheery family members.
The universal experience of “jesuuuus I said no mom, wait, why are you crying? Fineeee I’ll do it. Oh wow you stopped crying just like that.”
Edit: I refuse to call my parents “n-parents”, but that’s what I meant by overly cheery. Their happiness over yours because culture.
n-parents
n? as in…?
The very same hahahahaha
Have you ever been tested for autism?
Yes, 15+ years ago. The doctor said I had Asperger’s. I said bullshit, test me. Got tested. No Asperger’s. But honest to goodness, I fully believe I am on the spectrum. But I’m not going around saying I am without a proper diagnosis.
Digging in my heels is something I’m working on. I have a really hard time saying no and sticking with it because of trauma.
Honestly every person I’ve met who does the cruise thing has always been kind of off. I think it appeals to a particular personality type which I almost always seem to clash with. It’s people who want the most sterilized form of adventure possible. They want to “see” places, but not feel obligated to explore them or even interact with them. They are so locked into their cultural bubble they go through enormous lengths to bring it with them.
You are a person. You have value. You have every right to set your boundaries and ask that they be respected.
A free vacation you didn’t ask for, or your parents kicking your door in and taking a dump on your favorite couch…emotionally speaking it’s the same thing.
You don’t feel guilty, you feel ashamed for not being a stronger person and setting boundaries. You allowed yourself to be manipulated by family, who you “should” trust, into a situation you knew you wouldn’t enjoy, and your wife suffered as well.
Have there been other times early in your life where you allowed yourself to be manipulated into uncomfortable situations by close relatives?
If so, you are probably resonating on those earlier events and you feel emphatically worse than something like this should usually feel like because you’re responding to compounding trauma.
