I once posted in this community about an incident with the HVAC repair guy that nearly upended our relationship. (TW b/c there is a description of self harm) We stuck it out since then. Went to couples therapy, etc. It helped for a while, but at some point it ran its course.
Today, we’re worse off than we were before therapy. I’m so exhausted. I feel tense and like I have to walk on eggshells around her. I really thought she was the one, and now I just don’t know what to think anymore.
How do you know when it’s time for things to end? I’m worried it’ll be a terrible mistake to end things, but at the same time, it might be for the best.
For me it’s when I think about whether it’s time to end a relationship
It’s time.
Yeah, I think you’re right. I just needed to hear it.
It really fuckin’ sucks, but I think I’m just gonna make it worse if I wait. I’m just a little scared to admit years of my life were wasted, yah know?
The only wasted part is when you know it’s over but still continue.
But even then there is a lot to learn from that.
Agreed, not wasted. It’s just time to grow differently.
Real love is energising, not exhausting. Real love is a continuous partnership, not tense. Real love is unity where you become one person. Together, you lift each other up - you against the world. You share your love, your happiness, your pain, and your dreams.
I think you know what you have to do. It will hurt, but I assure you that time and reflection will ease the pain.
I am sorry to hear this. I’m not sure how I would have reacted when things went down like it did with you last year. I think I would have handled the entire repair guy thing way worse than you did. Then again, I think I am (relatively speaking) the mentally unstable one in our relationship.
I think you did the right thing by continuing to work on your relationship and sticking around when many would have bailed long ago. That is admirable.
But there is working on a relationship and there is working on not getting harmed by your partner. You have to take care for yourself and your future happiness. I don’t see happiness in your relationship and I think you don’t too anymore. It will suck a lot at first, but it’s the right thing to do.
Thank you. I broke up with her last night. I wanted it to be on good terms, but it devolved into us venting about our issues with the relationship. It really fucking sucks right now. I looked through all the valentines cards and sticky notes she left for me over the past few years, and I wept. The highs really were high.
I have a support system, but it’s gonna be a while before the pain goes away. It’s brutal, but I couldn’t keep living like this. I haven’t felt like I could be myself around her for a long time; I had to be her ideal partner instead.
You were right about how I was living. I was trying not to be harmed by our relationship instead of enjoying it. And I can’t say how long it’s been like that. It just crept up on me, you know?
It was like I realized how much I’d been carrying this whole time. Trying to keep her happy to avoid being berated or yelled at, or told you’re not good enough. In the moment you can dismiss these things as temporary events, but they’re not temporary when they become part of your daily reality. I really think she wanted perfect, while I could settle for good enough.
I know. Not as bad as you had, but I have been in a toxic relationship before and it’s like being boiled alive slowly. You don’t get it at first and it takes a long time to register somethings wrong.
I don’t want to waste your time with platitudes like “time will heal your wounds” or some shit. But if you want to hear my advice: Hit the gym, play that video game you couldn’t the last few years, cook some extravagant stuff and go on a long trip in a foreign country. Preferably with only a backpack, away from big cities. Its gonna be expensive, but hey: you have already proven that you deserve better 😉
I guess that’s hard. I mean for some people it’s one big event and that settles it. In other situations it’s more gradual and there isn’t such a thing like one distinct correct time to end it.
I’m not entirely sure what to recommend here. Maybe set yourself goals. Reflect, and think where you want to be, and where you are right now. Maybe that helps a bit to make a plan or see whether you’re on the right track.
Btw, how does couples therapy work? I’ve never done that. Is there a fixed amount of sessions, or do they tell you at some point your relationship is healed now? I mean obviously it didn’t turn out to help more than a short time for you…
In theory, it’s until you have resolved your issues. It’s more like the therapist mediates and asks questions to helo you understand your relationship dynamics. We made quick progress, but it dissipated over the course of a year.
By then, the therapy was mostly trying to help us retread ground and we both struggled with that fact.
Thanks for the explanation. I should probably not ask my questions here, but listen to some detailed podcast about it. Concerning your situation, I really don’t know. Seems you tried. I can’t judge and as always we’re missing the other half of the picture. But you don’t sound very optimistic or happy. You’re probably genuine with your question, but it also feels to me like part of you made up your mind already and you typed this down to hear some affirmation. And I wouldn’t know a good alternative either, after a year of trying including professional help. Ideally you’d talk to a close friend and not internet strangers, maybe someone who knows both of you. But that’s always easier said then done.
You’re right. I should be asking my friends. But, a part of me also wants to know what a stranger would say. My friends know and care about me, but I think it’s worthwhile to see what someone totally removed would say if they knew how I felt.
And I won’t lie, maybe a part of me is looking for permission. I don’t want to feel like I’m crazy or making a rash decision.
I really appreciate it, though. It’s tough, and I don’t think there’s a ‘good’ answer. No matter what I do, it’ll be an unhappy outcome on some level.
