We were in the same class and I thought she was pretty and started chatting with her and trying to … I don’t know, you know, get to know someone well enough to start a relationship with them. However you do that – I still do not know.
I was also going through a period of severe depression and a period of severe vodka-in-the-morning alcoholism to compensate. I was not at my best. I remember every time I talked to her, and she seemed pleasant enough and friendly enough the whole time. At some point she mentioned she had a boyfriend, ok, cool; so what is the move here? completely stop talking to her? continue talking in a normal way? I attempted the latter, a few weeks later I got an official letter from the school saying she was concerned about “unwanted in-person contact and indirect contact with [me], which she deems to be harassing in nature” and I needed to sign a thing to never talk to her again.
I have a few unresolved points I can’t get over:
-
How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?
-
How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?
-
I am sober now, I am going to therapy, and so on, i am no longer a threat to society, etc etc
-
How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?
-
How can I not continually hate myself forever?
I was in a relationship with someone who became an alcoholic. When he had been drinking he was emotionally and verbally abusive, extremely erratic and had wild mood swings. One moment he was sweet as honey, the next he was stabbing himself in the leg with a screwdriver telling me I was making him do it. Anyone who has had any first hand experience with alcoholics will likely be extremely sensitive to people who’ve been drinking.
Can you honestly say she never tried to dissuade you gently? For a lot of women, saying they have a boyfriend/husband is the equivalent to “thanks but no thanks” while avoiding a possible conflict or negative reaction. She might have already made those “polite efforts” without your realizing. She may have been highly aware of your morning routine and afraid of unpredictable and emotional backlash. You say you were not at your best so it sounds like you already know you might have made some social missteps. Rather than calling her a rat and directing anger at her, acknowledge and understand your own role in this. I’ve come off as an asshole to people I wanted to be friends with, and messed up and they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Is that their fault? I try to learn from it. What jokes can’t be made or what favors can’t be asked. You say you’re sober now so it sounds like that’s a start.
You can continue existing knowing you can be better. You’re still young. You can learn from this and not repeat your mistakes. Listen to possible cues that someone is trying to end an interaction. Wait for reciprocity of engagement. Be empathetic and understanding of each person’s perspective. The best way to say sorry is to change. You changed your behavior towards that girl and so you can consider that having made your amends. You can let that go now, and start fresh with new people and new interactions.
The way OP blames her for feeling unsafe around him doesn’t bode well for his sobriety either. Taking responsibility for your own actions is a big part of many sobriety programs.