I struggle even feeling like I deserve trying to improve. I’m so convinced I’m a horrible worthless person. Every memory is tinged by hate. I’m not even sure there’s anything wrong with me mentally. I think this is the logical conclusion to a lifetime of misery and suffering. I’m relatively convinced that I actually am irredeemable and deserve death.
How do I stop feeling this way? Should I?
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
No one deserves death for being born. Capitalist society is a monstrous prison of ableism, eugenics, hierarchy, and patriarchal violence. God willing we may someday tear it down, but until then, never let it convince you that there is nothing beyond the walls.
That is such a banger quote hot damn
I am in no way a therapist, and the rest of this will probably sound pretty weird, but I heard it once and it helped me. Especially if you view the voice in your head or inner monologue as something that’s sort of separate from “you”.
You know that voice inside you that tells you aren’t good enough?
Argue with it. Keep asking “why” when you get an answer. If it’s fear based, ask it why it’s afraid. It might answer, but chances are it will be noncommittal. Reassure it that you’ve got this and it’s worth taking the chance.
If it’s a voice that’s being mean and calling you names, ask what it based these attacks on and argue in your favor. Listen to who that voice sounds like. Chances are it sounds like a relative, bully or authority figure from your actual life. If that isn’t something you realized, this exercise can help you stop listening to it. It feels a lot more like you are interacting with the actual person when you can pinpoint who it sounds like and hopefully your attitude towards it will change.
If you can get to this point with it, either ask it or demand to take the driver’s seat for a while. You can even bargain with it if you want and say you’ll give back control if it doesn’t work out. It’s you, so you can go back on your promise to it and nobody gets hurt.
In my experience, it changes my thought pattern for a little while, but it’s obviously not permanent. Really, you’re just rationalizing better approaches to your own fears or anger.
This next thing is a lot more drastic and probably illegal depending on where you are. Psychedelic mushrooms. Big disclaimer. Do some research before you even consider getting a hold of some. They have been known to be harmful to people with certain neurodiverse conditions. They also have a tendency to drag up past traumas so you can process them. Some people aren’t interested in doing that, and that’s what is known as a “bad trip”.
You don’t need to take a “time to meet God” dose to get fantastic results for mental health. Particularly depression and anxiety. My experience has been that they take all my anxieties and fears and bad thoughts and wipes them away like cleaning off a whiteboard. Or running a defrag on a computer. It’s a mental reset that in my experience lasts up to two weeks. With as little as a quarter of a gram, you can feel results. If you’re interested, look up micro dosing.
Good luck, and good vibes. We all care about you and need you in the coming revolution
Anecdotally, I felt a lot better when I looked around and realized nobody in my family could tell me I am not doing the “right thing”. I’m married, we bought a house and I have a steady job. Not that people have to take that path, but it’s what makes me feel grounded. I have a better relationship than my parents, nobody can tell me I’m being irresponsible and possibly mean it… There’s a strength in having your personal affairs in order the way you want them.
With the talking to your inner voice thing, I find that speaking out loud really helps–fighting on your own turf, so to speak.
Yes. I do it in the shower or in the car. It helps if you imagine it as a little gremlin or Smurf or whatever helps. Whatever you imagine it as, try to make it something that is smaller and weaker than your actual self.
your outlook on life is not going to improve until you deal with these feelings about yourself.
someone who is trained properly are the only people who can help you and obamacare mandated that all insurances cover psychotherapy; that’s where i would start if i were you.
HEY!! Don’t be mean to my comrade
We are each molded by our environment to a larger degree than we like to think.
The mark of a good person is NOT “did their environment happen to mold them into a good person.”
The mark of a good person is deciding what they value, and then striving to align themselves with those values.
A necessary (but often painful) step is taking inventory of where they’re at today and seeing where they don’t align with their values. Each person will find themselves in varying degrees of misalignment with their values. Nobody starts out perfect, but nobody is irredeemable, either.
I’m proud of you for taking that step, and I’d be willing to bet that the parts of you that you don’t like are the direct results of your environment. I encourage you to look into the Internal Family Systems Model - it was extremely helpful framing for me.
One of the greatest injustices in life is that we each have to try to deal with the ways our environment fucked us up. I’ve heard folks say “it’s not your fault… but it is your responsibility.”
I say all that because I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself. It’s awesome that you want to be better! You’re not gonna just flip a switch and fix everything, and you’ll have setbacks, and that’s ok too!
If you’re taking intentional steps towards being better, you already are a good person.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
An Imgur link was detected in your comment. Here are links to the same location on alternative frontends that protect your privacy.
